Paleo Diet: Raw Paleo Diet and Lifestyle Forum
Members' Journals => Journals => Topic started by: jessica on February 25, 2012, 09:54:48 pm
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well although i was hoping for a more anonymous place to write this i am going to be doing a little journaling here to keep myself accountable and aware of my energy and habits for the next short while. i figured this was a good place because i have written a lot before so there is somewhat a history of my self and health and figured that it might be of some help to another who has a similar constitution in some form or another. (if anyone actually reads this or previous posts :p) might not read or reply to responses or suggestions much, like i said i really just need a little place for me and this is as easy as anywhere so hi
whatever i am doing right now seems necessary for me due to a few things
the november before last i went out to work on a friends farm out in the middle of nowheres. i was at the ideal weight and extremely active at the time, my adrenals, at teh time, were running on hyper active stress mode although i thought i was just having great energy due to my awesome health! farm work was hard and i learned some things i should and shouldnt have in my diet at the time. i was a totally cranky hungry !!!!!! and lost a lot of weight...had issues with the well water(high calcium=no good for my kidneys) as well as anemia and gallbladder(no more olive oil EVER!)....so after this i went to "rest" for one month which included such rediculousness as overexercising because i was still hyper active...its like being in shock to me when i have that much energy!!! and not really resting at all and then went off to farm for another season, the first two weeks of which i spent pooping my life out and went from underweight to emaciation and wasnt really able to gain back up to more then a little underweight by the end of the season. there was a lot of stress that wasnt physical that really didnt help. i was still smoking herb to fall asleep(noisey roommates ggrr...) taking some suppliments and learning just how allergic i am to certain things (ie nightshades swell the bottoms of my feet, give me crippling arthritic pains and also burn the hair off my skin when i work with them in the garden!) but it was great because i learned that i can tollerate some dairy(YOGURT!) and BUUUTTTTERRR.....i ate a lot of butter:)
so i freaked out mentally at the end of that farm job and went to live in my home town and TRY TO RELAX and get my head straight, which didnt work and i continued to run myself into the ground for the next three months............but i did gain back considerable weight, just really unceremoniously and maybe gained a bit to much, also in doing so with such haste i think i beckoned my old friend candida from the depths of my bowels ! and realized just how delicate my little system is these days and how loudly and abruptly she is willing to let me know what not to do. thanks body, i am stupid up here in my head! the good thing is that in that time i started to sleep........A LOT! and without any herbal medication...i am super excited about that as it has been YEARS...i dont and hadnt really used it recreationally so i am happy that i dont feel i depend on it any more. also i realize i cannot drink any alcohol, ever, not even a sip, and am really happy that that has been made perfectly clear to me.
so now here i am out in the middle of nowheres with enough, i hope, peace and quite and free time and solitude to work on my mental health first, as well as making sure i am taking care of my body. since i felt i had this weird candida entity(i feel it is in my blood, its given me fevers, blisters, cystic zits a long time ago(pre no grains/alcohol/chocolate days), horrible mood and bowels, really dark circles, and ear wax ! but not traditional yeasty type stuff except maybe a gooey mouth feeling and kinda sinus drain stuff...wow i sound gross hey!) a lot of those symptoms, if not all have really gone away for quite a while and i am not really experiencing many besides a bit of brain fog, fatigue, edema......mostly i just want real healthful energy back and am working towards actually knowing what that is and using it when i have it and learning to relax as well. so basically a few days ago i was really craving coconut oil.........i have tried it in the past and its made me feel allergic so i havent really ever used it for much, it also gives me blackheads and hasnt really been great on my skin so i was skeptical of my craving but have been feeling kinda overwhelmed by some yeast or something so i said ok. i have been eating that by the spoonfull for the last two days, as well as focusig on cutting out as many carbs as i was eating...ive been eating lots of cooked carrots and peas which i love but hey...not so much right now, also no more grapefruit, and no more pumpkin seeds, these were all great to help me gain weight but now i need to stabilize it and work on my physical health...and just eating more greens, including collards and kale which is good cause i already eat a few heads of lettuce a day and usually parsley and cilantro so extra greens is great...and brocolli, cauliflower and zuchinnis, celery....with meat, fresh egg yolks, some butter, some cod liver oil....i can see a raw dairy from where i sit so will go over there and get some cream and make my own butter soon, also some bone marrow yum...i am going to keep up with the coconut oil as it seems to be giving me good energy and makes me spit a lot?...i have eaten almost half the jar in two days........:9! i also added some probiotics. i have a little swelling in my ascending colon area for the last week and feel lots of water down there so i am hoping that goes away...thats all i have the patients to report right now.....
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so day one of lots of coconut oil madness i think i ate about 5 tbsp? my belly felt pretty good
woke the next day feeling a bit groggy, didnt look as swollen as i have lately, also did crave as much salt but at another, had a nice clean feeling mouth an tounge, but not too much energy til the afternoon when i went for my first run in quite a few weeks(ankle injury!!!!!!!!!) so that was awesome, i havent had much explosive energy like that, just kinda steady sluggish energy ..........ate seriously 1/3-1/2 of the jar of coconut oil!!!!! weird, its all i wanted to eat....hm
day three: night mares!!! haha but psychic...definitely dreamt about fear of bulbs going out and wouldnt you know first thing this morning the bulb in my light went out........hm...i also accepted a job job and i feel like the bulb in my light it OUT, but its only temporary sooo...hmm....
i woke up with green boogers(ew i dont have those!) and pretty much felt kinda sicky all morning, mild headache and earache, mild scratchy throat, ate another 1/3 of the coconut oil, had most of it at lunch time with cinnamon and then some vitamin c, really groggy, didnt help i had mundane normal people life to attend to, i think had i been out in the sun and wind i would have felt more energy, but maybe good not to push myself when im feeling sicky....found coconut butter at store and demolished probably a good 1/3rd of the jar, i could totally eat the whole jar so holding tight and back...its super sweet i probably am better off with coconut oil and raw milk butter once i can get it...nothing remarkable in the poops department:).yep so probably going to go for a walk this evening and call it a day
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also i have been drinking and craving about 2 gallons of water each day, and more! so now i am munching on celery to see if that will help..........my adrenals and kidneys are so fuck hehe i want them to be hapPEE! also there has been a lot of grmblin in the belly and also a feeling of stuck water lately...that should probably go away.........also how come self control is never an option, its either i have this or i cannot, not i have this but i will not! hm........p.s. ouch i think all the coconut is hittin the ol gallbladder.......hm
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Hi Jessica
I used to do a lot of high energy stress burn out. They really are the worst for your health. I think after awhile I just realized that I had to stop. I still have some bad habits around sleep, and stress. I'm in recovery though. :P
I have tried a couple of new things that were brought to my attention from this site. I feel like they have helped my body to use raw foods better. I think the way you eat is intuitive and that seems great, even when I suffer in some way after making an intuitively "wrong" choice. I still learn the best that way. So, just keep your chin up. I suffer terribly with the depression of not being healthy when I project more illness into my future self. I currently am progressing well so, even though I have a long way to go I feel happy and confident.
The Mastering Leptin book and jackruse.com especially the cold temp. part. I have been doing it 4 days . I was always really cold and I am considerably more comfortable now, after such a sort time. I'm still having trouble getting to bed. There is an undercurrent of anxiety that I have to fight through to get myself to lay down.
Well wishes to you,
Adora
PS
Are you eating that coconut manna butter? I ate that for awhile and didn't even realize it wasn't raw, but I chowed down on it and couldn't stop. Very addictive. It also made me incredibly bloated and gassy, worse than eating 1/3 jar of nut butter :(. It was really tough but I stopped eating it. and after a week at least it got easier. I'm still eyeing the jar in my cupboard, I should probably remove the temptation.
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yeah adora i am pretty sure i am to the point where i just dont get excited anymore, which is really strange but i am honoring that and accepting it for what it is for now...not even like much energy boosts or excited about possibilities.....i know its temporary! also i am eating RAW coconut butter and oil:) i made sure...probably will finish this jar more slowly and then see how i feel, if i would like more or if i would like something else or i dont need anything. i know that from my past experience one of the few things to cure this weird infection/dirty blood/rash i had on the side of my mouth was grapefruit seed extract, so i may do that in the future if i am still feeling really sugary and with dirty blood. i know a lot of this is psychosomatic and has a bit to do with the point i am in my life, really just need to be wise, intuitive, brave and honest with all of my intentions and capabilities right now, working on that!
weird sleep, probably not doing enough during the day or excess calories...felt lots of bloating in the evening while walking last night, like my internals were ready to poo themselves out, both deficatory and reproductive.......! feel some good energy this morning tho, stomach feels better after poo....feel a nice clean mouth, no eye boogers, a few nose boogers to clear out...not excessively thirsty...i feel really like i have water stuck in my stomach tho, probably make some dandelion leaf and root tea to see if that helps.....
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still day four: stomach felt okay after breakfast, two carrots, chicken breast, little bit of coconut butter/oil, little avocado, fish oil, garlic and onion and lettuce
did a lot of cleaning up around here then went for a 2 hr walk
lunch: small piece of raw liver, more chicken, egg yolk, 3 tsp coconut butter/oil, lettuce, lil cooked zuke
now feeling dizzzzy and groggy, blah
dunno maybe i am just combining weird ass foods now
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Jessica
I think you are just going through a low point. I see such a shining vibrant light in your posts. I think your enthusiasm will improve soon. Give it a few more days of rest, I hope you have more comfort in this phase soon.
soft earthy hugs,
Adora
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its very true adora, although i am really on the way out and its a great feeling. i may not seem like it from these ramblings but i am focusing on solutions right now and just being very aware of myself, intentions, health, where i am putting my energy and what i am manifesting for this spring and summer:)!
for you about sleeping, anxiety and leptin... when i was more active this past summer, fall and into the winter, i was eating most carbs for dinner as that helped me calm down greatly and fall asleep and give me energy in the morning, it may be something that you can experiment with if you feel that your activity level/apitite necessitate and your sleep would benefit? however now i think my metabolism is a bit different, as is the time of year, and doing that just gives a poor sleep and a bit of grog in the morning.
end of day four: felt better a few hours after eating.....went for a bike ride to do errands, came back up to the house for more chores, had better energy, took a great poo(have to report this!) but still felt a bit watery/bloated, not too bad though. dinner included 3 lightly cooked carrots, zuchinni, greens, small bite of beef, butter and coconut butter and a bit of onion. i think onion plus coconut butter=huge gas so no more onions for a while. i really crave that sulfur so i guess just more garlic as it doesnt seem to have the same effect. also the coconut butter is getting gross on me but still addictive. i think i almost preffer the coconut oil but will keep thinkin on it and HOPE to get raw cream today to make good butter then i will likely drop the coconut all together unless i feel the raw butter is too sweet, then ill mix and see how that does. also drank less water then usual yesterday and chewed on some celery which i think helps, although at a certain point i felt i had one chew tooo much and my face felt pressure.....! being this super sensitive is kind of ridiculous/amazing sometimes
day five: better sleep, not great but better:) woke up with good energy, feel clear, not boogery, no more gas like i feel asleep with, stomach feels really normal, small, unburdened, lean. really excited/motivated to visit some farms this week, where as i was previously just feeling nervous:). have to work this temporary job at a organic foods store today which should provide a good break from this ranch life until i find a farm for the season so i think that is helping my mood as well...looking forward
also to note i havent felt the need for so much salt lately, and feel the pressure in my body is a lot lower for that, it feels better.
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day 5 cont:
ate some chicken, a carrot and some lettuce for breakfast with copious amounts of garlic, and an egg yolk, and maybe butter? dont remember, not super energetic but got a lot accomplished and felt decent mentally
lunch=beef, egg yolk, carrot, fish oil....i new this would give me plenty of energy for work and not make me feel heavy or like shit, seriously sometimes i KNOW i eat to make myself feel like shit so i dont have to be social haha, awkard, its only when i get in these downward spirals and dont feel good about myself........ah brain, heart, body can you guys all work together here?
had really great energy after this THEN HAD TO GO TO WORK, what the fuck, i coulda been hiking or running trails or anything. i worked a normal job job for the first time in over a year..........SUPER FUCKING SUCK...honestly i am cashiering at a large natural health food store and its still so surreal and bizarre...no one would know i am thinking this the whole time but honestly i cannot believe people spend all day INSIDE>........i would go fucking nuts, thank god its temporary REGARDLESS of it i get another job, ha! id rather camp, hunt and forage all summer then miss out on watching the sky and being with the wind :p! kinda nuts to make $60 dollars 6 hours though after being paid so minimally for farm work....bought more coconut butter and oil, will mix with higher oil to butter and eat as such for a while.........when i get raw butter i will likely stash that stuff away for good though, i think it will be better for my digestion and immune health then cocoyummies.......
dinner consisted of : 3 carrots(prob to many!) lettuce, and okra and zuchinnis cooked til hot and slimey......also some a few bites of beef, a little coconutoil/butter...well, a lot maybe? and regular (kerrygold is the best i can do round these parts!) butter
we shall see, sucked to be indoors with good energy while i wanted to do some crazy running or something, fuck you work!
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fuck you work!
Lol Rightttttt! Felt SOOO good getting to feel the sun on my skin today!! Been working and staying in the city up until this last month and omg having the wide open space, fresh air and sun out here (and no peeps!) I crave this! The wind and the sky and you can see the planets so bright right now incredible!! Fuck work, time to rewild for sure!
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Fuck work, time to rewild for sure!
Let's go!
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wow i really hate having a job...........!
so yes 3 carrots and my meal last night was too much........sucks that i dont have a proper time to eat "dinner" with this work bull shit and end up eating at 7pm which is far too late for me.....i am best when i stop eating between 4-5 and prefer to be done at 4....shit, shit, shit......if this is a problem i will totally quit this job, i also know that part of it for me is to exercise some self control at the end of the day, well, a lot of it.........FUCK, fuck, shit! ha!
so i am not sure i can remember just how i felt all day but i will try, didnt have the best nights sleep, it started raining really hard at 2 AM which is TOTALLY bizarre this time of year and then gail force winds at 4......insane....ate lots of beef and liver, lots of garlic, celery, cod liver oil, and greens.......had decent energy after this dont remember what i did though, it was super snowy and slippery and most of the time i was hanging out with the chickens and turkeys:)! ate beef, avocado and a lot of fat for lunch, and maybe 1/3rd grapefruit, it was super fucking sweet tasting but good and juicy, went TO WORK AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! cannot believe peoples lifes are so sedentary, no wonder everyone is fucking insane, all of their physical energy is forced to migrate into their brains and egos and create this huge anxiety, seriously i might quit next week, got a job offer to work at a sled hill, outdoors helping people tube down slopes, hehe, i hate ski towns and ski bums but sledding is fucking fun and it pays quite well and is outdoors.....! which brings me to tonight, i ate a lot, fuck! too much and i knew it while i was eating........5 carrots, head of lettuce, dandelion leaves, 1/3rd jar of coconut butter(i swear that candida is made up by the coconut industry to get us to become addicted to this shit!) lots of cod liver oil, few bites of beef and avocado, taste of butter, cooked okra and zuchinni.............ah i gotta be nicer to myself, i always ruin myself when i have obligations i am not excited about or am anxious about, which in turn makes them not only difficult mentally but physically as well....i will never truly understand my self destructive tendencies but i am super aware of them and really would like just this once and forever to overcome them..........thats my dear diary for day six
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oh now i just ate more coconut butter and fats........what? i must really not like this...........
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No shit, it did the SAME thing here last night. 35F, pouring rain and gusting winds howwwwling! My car looks like an icicle frozen to the ground, but I think it's warm enough that it won't be trouble to break out.
What kind of CLO are you taking J?
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well so i ended up not sleeping very well last night.........this is a two fold problem...not being able to use my energy in the most healthful manner due to working as well as the inability for me to control my overeating. i know that i do need to be able to adapt to different schedules to a certain degree and that it is up to me to do the best to feed myself in the most healthful way possible, that is what i can control and that is what i need to deal with right now. its interesting that i dreamt of, among a LOT of other things, bears, mountain lions, an elk and ducks....i dream every night and spend quite a bit of time on interpretation as i am super into jungian psychology and know the power, insight and honesty of the unconscious mind. these animals are all about having known habits or tendencies that are wild and out of control, elk specifically is about healthful eating lol:) fuck.........ducks are about being able to adapt, and to me have a lot to do with balancing healthful emotions with healthful body. so this morning i am feeling really out of it, i think maybe i am just a bit tired from termotous sleep, kinda bored, not really excited about doing much, and waiting for this coconut butter bomb to hit my gut...i was feeling a little like i needed some blood sugar so i ate half a grapefruit, chewed up a couple sticks of celery, cilantro, lots of dandelion and had a little bit of yogurt......i really need not let this stupid temp job with its reminding me of old habits and life ruin what little improvements i have made in the past few weeks
oh also its really weird that i feel dehydrated at work even though now i am drinking more then i am when i am more physically active, i think my kidneys and adrenals are just going on overload......cannot stand normal life.whywhywhywhywhywhy
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Perhaps you could benefit from some regularity, peace of mind (distraction), and creative expression.
Don't forget to get some vitamin D!
I forgot: you're taking CLO...
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Jessica
I can't stand normal life either. When I was young, and my heart was an open book, I used to say live and live let, but in this ever choking zoo in which we're dieing, makes us give and cry, say live and let die. - I'm a little dramatic today >D, the violence is the fight to be free of suffering. If the violence is judged/denied, I turn it inward and become self destructive, first to my mind, then to my body. That's a big part anyway. Maybe it's like that for you too.
Martin Luther King said, to be black and awake in this country is to be angry. But isn't it just to be awake, is to be angry. I love my anger it is my courageous heart that refuses to forsake the healthy herione within me to become more than a jealous flightless bird.
I'm going to post in my journal, but you are feeling sort of like me and I just wanted to acknowledge your suffering and send you my love. I don't know your whole situation. I'm not advising you, but don't feel like there is anything wrong with you for wanting to be outside. Being inside poison that weekens my body and soul. To rest and get warm is one thing, but that is better in a warm teepee/cabin/natural shelter with no electricity, just a quiet fire candles, food and good company. If you have a decent option to be outside why are you staying at your inside job?
Whatever you choose, you know to stay loving to yourself or, there is nothing, so what's the point?
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thank you so much adora, you and i are definitely kindred and i appreciate all of your support and advice :)
so i must preface with the fact that these horrible behaviors and emotions i engage in are preraw and much less severe then ever. in fact i am know i am making progress even when i regress.......i must just be a slow learner? i chalk must of my actions now to never having learned healthful habits and being stuck in old patterns that are self destructive because i dont know much else. to be honest i am really trying to get in a good healthful pattern so i can take some *ahem* fungal medication for my soul....really it is one of the few things that has ever really given me insight and strengthend my will.. yesterday i wanted an exorcism but more so then that i just think i need some help repatterning my brain...
so the day before last, at night i ate about 2/3rd of a jar of coconut butter, thats like 12 oz? mixed with fish oils and butter.......super gross, that is compulsive binge eating. i make myself ashamed and i make myself sick by doing this. i have a history of addictive self destructive behaviors, to date i no longer drink, smoke weed or beat the shit out of myself, have regular panic attacks, rages...etc...the one thing i still do is overeat and binge eat. it is very hard because to eat is necessity.....but for me it is also a way to avoid things, go numb...etc...and it is a very difficult thing to not do as one cannot eat...but i know there is a mind i go to, and when i am in that mind i will no longer eat, i will make tea, i will pray, anything until i come back into a more sane loving mind that actually things of consequence and has some self value...a remembered mind that recognizes what i am feeling and thinking
yesterday i woke up and felt not as bad as one should after a horrible nights sleep and eating a super fat ladened night binge. i didnt have much energy tho so i hung arond til 10 then felt my blood sugar going crazy, tried to eat a little meal that turned into just a bit too much, this is like a gross mix of food too but ill post it...a can of sardines, some beef, butter, avocado, grapefruit, fish oil, lots of dandelion greens and yogurt oh and blue corn grits, not much but still what?..yuck! ha
did some errands and chores then the depression sunk in, crippling....a lot of which i think become because the body is so overwhelmed with all this gross food and disbiosis and because it cant take a shit the brain takes a shit instead...cried, hated everything, felt totally imcompasitated, called treatment facilities, stumbled around on a walk crying to my mom, poor lady....she has gone through the same things and can help or lend an ear to a certain degree but i know it is so painful for her now and i feel like such a shithead to rely on her sometimes, i was definitely born to two self destructive parents with addiction and ocd and all kinds of wonderful personality issues......ah!
came home and then felt like i needed to eat dinner......okra, peas, zuchinnis, carrots cooked in blue corn meal and butter, yes not raw or very paleo. sometimes after being super depressed and running my brain out of all of its anything i feel like carbs help to bring the brain up, even if they do other harm its like the renourish the brain....i also had a bit of beef with lots of fish oil on the side...then i got stuck somewhere in my head, wanted to go outside, got stuck in my head in my own hurt.....this is such an old thing, it makes no sense, everything, even to put on sock becomes difficult or a struggle for no reason....instead i sat an ate more beef an butter and fish oil which brought me to about a pound of beef and maybe almost a stick of butter? honestly i can binge eat on anything, i have drank down almost the whole contents of a jar of fish oil in one day....then really worried about heart attacks or liver failure..
today i am much more in my head and feeling the will to make healthful choices....i am going to try an go as long as i can, again, with healthful eating habits...i feel like giving my work two weeks notice right now, and with the challenge of work hours trying to figure out how i nourish myself physically and mentally and then move on..........we shall see....
also still havent pooed out that coconut oil.....so i have lots of foods in my guts right now, hope it liberates itself today
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How about good sources of raw carbs?
Raw Durian? Raw Carrots? other raw starches? Raw baby corn?
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durian is way to sugary for me....usually i do raw or slightly cooked carrots, there is no raw corn in season right now, its great in season tho, i can better handle the amount of starch at that time of year too. even with a little cooked i can achieve balance, my whole life has been really extreme feeling lately, lots of changes, not a lot of stability, so it is very hard for me to create this for myself at this time but it is really important that i work and focus on that and not just the perfection of my diet. although i know that having great nutrition helps....prob just need to eat more of these fresh egg yolks i have for b vitamins and really work on deep healing nutrioucious foods...not weird shit like coconut oil, although i think that it really killed my craving for as much carbs as i was eating, i feel okay to do lower carb and find a better balance....definitely time for more protein and good oils and greeeeens...thanks for the suggestions though good! lots of love to all today xoxoxoxo
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day 8:
well i slept thoroughly last night, not good or bad but 8 hours worth. i know i burnt a lot of that fat at night just being warm. that used to happen when i would drink alcohol i would BURN at night, like a furnace, and wake up drunk and hyperactive and not sober til 4 p.m. i also felt i had a little bit of death, i know that as i went to sleep i was worrying about perhaps having a heart attack, there was that deep pain of sadness in my heart and i questioned whether or not it was the feeling of death, maybe really it was a bit of a death and only in the spiritual/energy field around the heart.....and i welcome that, much like the ego death certain fungi has brought me in the past, even real physical death can be healing. but i know that with all that is going on it is imperative that i accept and learn my lessons, i have been digging deep to get to this point, its almost as if i am to the last few shovels of mud before i get to the treasure and even then the treasure is most likely locked by some crazy puzzle, but getting closer and closer each time:)
i woke up this morning in a good mood with an accepting and clear head about what had happened the last two days. it is amazing how the can shift from barely being able to function or recognize anything beyond sadness and pain and absolute to waking with the voice of will and ability to continue even though there may be no light shining brightly in the future that can be perceived at the present. i dont understand it but i am getting better at living with and through it and making sure that i am learning what and how to change towards sustaining a healthy mental, physical and spiritual state. it is really interesting to be aware on both sides of sanity.
so i did a lot of chores early, which is good because the weather turned at about 10 AM and it went from sunny to snowy. drank a lot of tea and aloe juice and wasnt hungry until about 12PM, ate a decent lunch of very cooked okra, zuchinni and greens, ate a raw carrot and had some beef, egg yolk and fish oil. also ate. digestion is moving a long. also had lots of garlic. now more tea. did some exercise and also some yoga...skin brushed, showered.
it is interesting all this cold temp health advice. i have been taking cool showers for quite a while, i like to do cold water therapy when i have a sauna to super heat myself, then COLD til its not cold then sauna and so on for my circulatory, resperatory and lymphatic systems. i also do a lot of walking/commuting/hiking in all types of weather and know that it is necessary to "exercise" you skin, circulation etc just as any other system in your body with these practices. i dont think it is smart to be out naked, per say, and am not one to super chill my hands, head or feet due to previous bad frost bite and nerve damage, but live with minimal extra heating and as minimal gear as necessary to keep warm with body heat.
there is a great therapy i would like to share if anyone is reading this, perhaps ill post it else where, but it is to soak cotton socks in ice water and put them on before bed, over these socks place dry wool socks...sleep and in the morning the feet are extremely warm and the body should feel a bit detoxed:)
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Jessica
I am healing too. Sometimes it's not linear. My mind likes linear progression. The other is full of crazy head talk for me. I had a great session with my process coach. I realized I am body and I have a head with a mind inside that is most beneficial to me when it is in loving service.
I have been teleporting back in my mind lots. My mind was very anxious at work and I was unable to feel my body well or to be my body much, but it is getting easier now. I'm going to go meditate as my body now and light a candle. But your with me. I hear you and all that mingles with you. Less thinking and more feeling and breathing. That's the door I choose. It almost seems surreal. Do laugh at you ridiculousness as much as I do. Wow . :P
I'm not catholic, but I love the expression - my peace I give you ahhh woman hehehe- ridiculous
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Oh Jessica..
you struggle so hard. I feel with you.
Could you get elkheart anywhere Jessica? Or any heart, eaten raw?
For me this helps a lot for my mental stability!
It creates a happy feeling right where my heart is. I get a feeling from peace.
Do not beat yourself up about the coconutoil. I eat raw coconutoil almost every day, and I am fine! :)
Jessica, it will become easier! Just hold on.
You will soon be out on the other side, out in he light.
I know you already know in your heart what to do. :-*
Inger
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thanks inger i will inquire about some raw heart...there are elk people about an hour down the road, they may have some, i forget what they offer
as for the coconut oil...its the amount i worry about, and the lack of consciousness in which i devoured it:)
yesterday was pretty low key, ate a decent dinner of cooked zuchinni, a few carrots, a small amount of green peas, 2 yolks, some fish oil, and greens....
woke up an feel okay but have coated tounge again a feel rather "mucusy" in my whole body....chewing on some celery, ginger, dandelion greens.......may try a taste of coconut oil?
have the feeling of the crazy zits i used to get when i would binge on carbs OR drink alcohol, they only manifest right below my eyebrows, and it would be like one cystic swollen bump...........maybe this yeasty mucus is trying to get out? i am not really feeded it too much and will do my best to feed it as least as possible and maintain my mood an energy through this week........
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breakfast was beef, garlic, some lemon curry spice, a little liver, fish oil and an egg yolk
had decent energy, would have liked to use it doing something physically satisfying but did not choose that for myself, chose work instead.....:(
lunch was two small carrots, more beef, garlic and fish oil with some greens
really wanted to shit but was at work.....would have felt great, felt full and drowsy instead
came home to random people in common area that is usually empty, was too loud, tried my best to ignore everything, made dinner with two large carrots, some peas, lots of butter
still feel full of poops, hate to come home to people when i am a total introvert and teh best way for me to decompress from a day is silence and being able to be alone and in my own head and energy.....really trying to not take any of this to poorly and move on, i am super sensitive...right now they have locked a visitors chihuahua in the greenhouse and it is scrapping like crazy at the door...people are fuckin inconsiderate and unconscious......can not wait to quit and move
hopefully the morning is better then three days off, then perhaps i will only entertain this work thing for one more week to make up some cash and then find something wonderful to do..
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Jessia, this may or may not help,, But here goes. One of the traps of binge eating is the mental arena that sets up camp during and especially after the ordeal. For most, if one was to have a court stenographer taking down all the words the mind expounds on, well, it would be a very lengthy report. And just as interesting, to engage with the mind only adds pages to the process. May I suggest that practice simply being with yourself while you binge. If you go off on yourself with shame, just notice it, and also notice yourself along with it. Feel everything, including the shame, the tastes, the fullness in your stomach and allow it. And allow the chatter against it, and everything else that you can notice. Allow it all. Every bit of it. It's all there for some reason. I find with myself that when I judge or try to change anything, or try to suppress or avoid, that I lose sense with the real me. So all my experiences with binging really had something to do with avoiding something, and all my attempts to scold myself did little to reveal myself during the those times. Boy this is hard to put into words. But if there's one promise that you can offer yourself, it might be that you'll stay entirely present with yourself while binging, even while going off on yourself, even afterwards or the next day, when you might not feel so well. Stay with that too. Should you find yourself judging yourself again, look at that and let yourself come back to yourself. Allow it all. And what I'll think you'll find is an innate intelligence that will speak to you louder than your shaming or rational thoughts. And again, allow that. Your awareness is so much more important than any thought or action related to binging. It does take practice though, for the mental patterns are most likely pretty well ingrained. And in those early attempts you might witness a real tug of war between the watching and being with and a part of you that wants the watcher to go away so it can indulge deeper without anyone watching. But watch and allow that too. Watch it like you would a small child playing near or walking across the street, with lots of love and attention. sorry if this reads like a lecture. But it has helped me tremendously.
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van thank you so much for your post....really. i am trying to be mindful and conscious and really am just in kind of a life pickle at the moment which is just adding a bit more to the situation then i am able to healthfully handle. to be honest i have jsut about enough energy and know how to treat myself kindly throughout the day if all i have to do is treat myself kindly throughout the day. then i chose to accept a job that is really pulling energy away from me taking care of myself and reestablishing some kind of communication with myself that isnt negative. a lot of this is serious old bad habits and lack of teaching as i was quite insane growing up and also didnt have the best models as parents or teachers and am still very fortunate to be where am who i am even in this disasterous state. i do loose myself in those old numb patterns and even crazy rages dont feel sometimes. but my practice now is to be aware, and to be brave to say no to a lot of "securities" like this job that is a lie and also my old bad habits because i know i have to this time and that no matter what something better will happen.
i feel very swollen and clogged right now, i worked today, i lied all day and my lips are chapped and throat is horse. i definitely tried to punish or make myself sick or something before work with excessive fat intake...this was to make sure that i was feeling fully rotten about something i already didnt want to do, some kind of self destructive rebellion.......make sense of that. anyway i still cannot believe this what most people do and keep doing, work shitty jobs, have shitty diets and habits, dont play in the sun all day, talk to 12092840 people they could give a shit about about things they could give two shits about.....it is no wonder we are all fuckin mad and unhealthy......
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welp today i decided to let work know i cannot work there! i will try to finish up the rest of the week but if at any time i feel super horrible ill just go home. i always have to convince myself these are not excuses and i really do need a bit of time to reprogram and heal my peanut brain and breaky heart. it is because the cause and effect dont seem necessarily congruent until you factor in who i am as an individual. i feel relieved and also although i want to feel dumb for accepting the job in the first place, i will feel that i really learned a lesson about who i am and what i do and do not have tolerances for at the moment. have to go back to being VERY honest with myself and where i am RIGHT NOW...its not permanent, but there are ways i can be more successful and really work through my issues, i just need to ask for the proper help and be sure i am being mindful of the kind of situations i am choosing for myself....
in terms of kicking out this candida thang, well i had some kinda flakey yeasty white stuff on my scalp i havent had for years since i drank alcohol, it would come back after i would binge eat or drink but is always absent when i am in better health...totally gross...! been taking caprilic acid and grapefruit seed suppliments, coconut oil is super gross to me right now. i am still lowering my carb intake to a very minimum sustainable level......still will focus on meats, greens, and fats
this morning i ate some greens, a little super sour yogurt, mustard seeds(they are really delicious when you let them soak up all the yogurt....lots of sulphur...hopefully good for the liver and killing candida) 3 egg yolks, a bit of beef and chicken and a carrot....
went for a nice walk, sun is shinning, hope to be able to get over to this very near by LITHIUM! hot springs:):):):) soon.they have a bunch of natural pools and a super hot sauna, i think that would be great for my body mind and soul:)
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pretty sure the rest of yesterday went alright.....
really the only issue is this house/living situation is kind of weird and innervation to me so i am praying that i can be healthful in my own head and body and also find a more healthful living environment
ate pretty well today, really think that egg yolks in the morning is a good idea and will eat more tomorrow. getting a weird feeling on the back of my tongue from coconut oil now...like itchy/furry. also have SUPER bad gas today, might be from all the brassicas/cruciferous veggies lately...may be from these supposed candida defeating supplements...not sure. having energy later in the day is weird. realized i have to go back on some supplements for my mental health for temporary...i think had i kept taking them when i had gone through all this transition about 5 months ago i would be in a much better place mentally and physically. we shall see, reintroducing 5 htp...should help with addictive tendencies and lend more energy to my spirit.
really sorry if this journal isnt super scientific or even raw paleo related....:) just gotta write this somewhere
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Jessica clay water soaked for 3+ days (I just put a couple of tbs of clay in jar and add more water when I drink it down so it gets really wet, then I slosh it a little before drinking it). Also, was helped a lot with a little bit of edible diatomaceous earth in water a tsp on an empty stomach, hold off eating much till good BM.
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what did the clay and diatomacious earth help with? i have both but will definitely finish taking the caprilic acid, garlic, paudarco and whatever else is in these supplements before i try something else.
my intestines HURT this morning...two poops and my belly felt quite a bit better
ate a little cooked cauliflower, yellow summer squash and maybe a tbsp of pumpkin seeds? really wanted them:0.. lettuce, parsley, three egg yolks, a tbsp of coconut oil, and maybe 3 oz of beef, probably less...didnt really have a taste for it and probably could have done with out it.......generous amount(seriously yall would die) of garlic powder on everything.....
it was weird to wake up a little light headed....but i felt like i slept well. went for quite a long walk last night and jogged a bit and then came home an exercised more...its crazy how weak i feel sometimes, i know i have(had?) this HUGE capacity for physical activity, but right now i feel stuck in the mud.....will be taking 100 mgs of 5htp probably mid morning each day to see if that will help with some serotonin satiation!
still undecided whether or not i can stick out these last four days of work...may have to quit on the spot, the little financial security might help me from freaking out in the future if i can just get through these days.....dont have to decide til tomorrow, just working on making today healthy
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First of all it has to be edible. I guess the other stuff isn't fit for consumption, but I forgot why. I stopped doing the edible diatomaceous earth a while ago, because I heard it was more of a purifier than a builder and I want to build my minerals, I didn't know it would help my stomach. I thought it would help to grow my hair. My daughter has waves to her butt and it grows like crazy. I'm doing everything and it just goes past my shoulders, I didn't do it long enough to see if it would help. It is pretty much pure silica, but I heard it doesn't absorb well. The person who insisted I try it is 80 and almost bald. He has been doing it for years with no problems, but no hair. It helped immediately with gas and bloating. It worked after the first time to pull everything out, then the next few times it seemed to heal the swelling too.
I take great poops all the time and I think it is because of the initial diatomaceous earth and the continued use of clay in my water. I drink it all day and I love the taste. I like the montmorillonite clay a little better than the french green, it feels softer. It seems to absorb water better. Drinking a little clay in my water is similar in taste to the water I was getting from a lake near my house. There is lots of clay in that water too, so maybe that's why it taste so fresh to me. If/when you try it soak the clay in water for a couple of days first and agitate it a little so the settled clay mixes back in, or just drink the clear water off the top and add more for another time. It seems like once the clay is moistened by the water, adding more water redistributes the minerals immediately.
You do seem to have your plate full with your current cleanse routine. I don't want to overwhelm you. But, I have almost to GI distress and I was having tons. I just had lots of raw broccoli and coconut oil, amongst a huge load of other raw stuff and I have no gas. I had a little bit of gurgling a while ago but no discomfort with it.
You try when and if your ready, no more from me on the subject :P
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hehe thanks adora...i just dont want to over load my body so much trying to get other things out! but we do have food grade diatomacious earth in the greenhouse, we have lots of doggies around so it was purchased with them in mind. i love eating fresh clay...there are specific caves in my home town with these crazy creamy white veins of some mineral or another i used to go eat from time to time, i know what you mean about how it can make water have a fresh taste, tastes like the smell in a really cold moist cave. my stomach was not so bad today i really dont know what yesterday way all about, like i said my intestines HURT this morning, that is not usual no matter how much gas i ever have. it passed after a few poops this morning, maybe i was getting something out of there? perhaps ill delve into the earth and clay next week if i am still having bouts of gas:)
felt pretty low energy today, although i kept busy all day. about an hour into hiking this after noon i felt as better than i had all day, i think i may need to work back towards my excellent energy levels. its been a good opportunity at this house to practice explaining myself to people in a really practical and non emotional manner. i have had to tell a few of the housemates to not be offended if i am not the most social person and that i am a total introvert(at least at this time :0!) and although they really want to take it personally but cant because its not about who they are, its about me and if they want to feel weird about something its me but at least they know where i stand on having to exchange pleasantry's each time i see them. so glad this is temporary!
feel like i did okay with eating today, cant remember lunch but feel like it didnt include any carbs/carrots. at dinner i had maybe 3 carrots?
also dinner included a sliver from a chicken bone from lunch in my bowl(i knew there was a reason people washed those things after every meal!) that got lodged in my throat!!!!! i almost yakked it out but then it felt like it dislodged, however now it feels like its still in there so i am hoping thats just pain associated with a wound:( bleh!
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i feel like i need to write all this earlier by the end of the day i cant remember the morning!
o but i did post a pic of my breakfast, okay, thinkthink
took my 5 htp early in the am then chicken chores
egg yolks, beef and beef liver, fennel bulb, summer squash and greens.....
had lots of energy after this went for a bike ride, the sun was shining
havent been drinking mate lately !
lots of vitamin c from camu camu
lunch was more beef, egg yolks?, butter, fennel(i have a
slight addiction to the seed powder too, really) zukes, lettuces, endives, maybe a carrot?
then all my energy kinda went into not having anxiety about working this evening.....really tried hard at something, not sure, at being calm? at being where i was instead of in the future...
at last meal at 3pmish, lots of zukes, more fennel, little beef, fish oil, lot of DILL, super oily dill, and two carrots, also maybe an egg yolk.........
really wanted MORE COCONUT OIL, i am even feeling like i would like some right now...i am not sure this is good or bad.....i am not sure if i should buy more or not? also feel like the 5 htp is helping, or perhaps its listening to ALAN WATTS that is helping, or perhaps nothing is helping :) i dont know
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it was hard to fall asleep last night, i felt really wired and didnt until 10pm, which is late for me.......probably should have gone for a walk after work, i did deep breathing and yoga tho and made catnip tea(supposed to be a sedative) and did notice my body felt comatose after a few hours but the ol brain kept tinkering away, heh! its definitely up to how i feel tomorrow whether i go in for another later shift or "call in sick" which in my head i refer to as "call in healthy!" and say fuck you i am not going to be hanging out in this bright place when id rather be hanging out in the dark cold and loving mama nature and the HUGE MOON and many planets that lighting the night sky. it is always a bit harder for me to sleep around full moon time anyway, but i blame work;)! also always have a hard time poopin with work schedule, i feel like i get to anxious! and also stuck and not able to expend energy and move the body how it wants to:( but not as bad as last week at any rate because i am REALLY TRYING...quite a few times, and just now, i put down this extra serving of fat i think i need for myself after i eat a whole meal....like ill make a bowl of food, devour and then go back to scoopin more fat and more this and that into my bowl like i will never eat again, which is really old addictive and crazy thinking that i am breaking.....my crazy dreams and really paying much attention to them has been EXTREMELY helpful in all of this, just being aware of my unconscious mind at night and letting it play out all these weird random ideas is wonderful, i knew i was so many people but to see each of them in this weird cartoon crazy cinema is excellent and i really try hard each morning to understand what i was trying to work through in the dream world and see how it applies
this morning i had what felt like a large breakfast, maybe 3-4 ounzes of beef, two egg yolks, lot of greens/herbs, fennel bulb(which is a good source of potassium) and some cooked zuchinni......
was feeling kind of tired and decided to learn from the past and head to the hot springs instead of pushing myself to do a crazy amount of physical activity to "wake up" i think sometimes this is just what i do to stimulate my adrenals to give whatever little they have left.......i would like to say i feel as though i made adora and inger proud by submerging in 110 degree water, then doing a 160 degree sauna, and then rolling in the snow and repeating:) it was fun and felt good, although i wanted more cold then hot. i think this is newer to me because my circulation had definitely improved but also i am a few pounds over weight for the comfort of my body. i noticed different patterns of red on my arms that have felt so stagnant and gained a bit of weight, like it felt as though the first time those bits has gotten that much circulation in a while. it was fun and i am glad i went and hopefully will spend more time there on my next visit. i met two wonderful women(hey there adora and inger) in one of the pools and we talked a lot about womens empowerment and all kinds of important issues, really special and inspirational women.
so now i had lunch of one chicken breast, LOT OF COCONUT OIL, i caved and bought coconut oil and this bar of organic creamed coconut. the creamed coconut had separated into oil and solids and i ate one some of the solids, they were sweet:9 and i think i wanted some sweets, honestly that stuff would be a good substitute for white chocolate although it was a slightly dryer consistency. 2 carrots and lots of greens and cooked zuchinnis........i almost ate a shit ton more coconut oil and a bit more chicken and greens then i stopped and asked myself, what would happen if you didnt eat this? and the honest answer is "well i would be full AND feel okay about myself" hmmmmmm.......seems like it should be the obvious but when you come from a disordered eating background perhaps the wrong answer and thinking used to be "you should always be empty or you are bad, anytime you are full you should feel bad, and you should eat more to punish yourself and make yourself feel as bad as possible" so luckily my spirit is forcing my brain to pay attention!!!!!!!!and hopefully my body will be thankful and we can all work together :)
now i am sun bathing and then probably a bike ride or hike
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Jessica
Did you mean that you imagined Inger and I were with you at the pool? Did you meet 2 other women there? I imagine people are with me all of the time when I am alone. I have some of my best visits that way. Godd/ess, friends, relatives, people who have past, people I have never met, imaginary fairies, lovers - :-* ooh la la, maybe too much.
I'm laughing, because if you were imaging us, that is wonderful to me.
I ended up eating the nutritional yeast on top of the eggs. It was so good, but not what we had said. I want it and it feels really good. How bad is the stuff? I guess I should look up. I keep thinking only one more time. I have a less itching today, so that wasn't causing it at least.
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heheh no, i actually did meet two very nice and inspiring women...we had a really intense conversation, they were very supportive and encouraging to me it was great.
toady i woek up feeling a bit dizzy........last night i think i ate too much, i got nervous as there were people in the common area and wasnt paying attention to myself, i get out of my own self and body so easily sometimes. this was something i used to practice while on my fungal friends....holding my self centered and contemplative and aware while in public situations. aaaah need the fungus.....! soon!
so i ate a decent breakfast and then felt REALLY sad and homesick, then turned that energy into a good hike and run, and was able to poo thoroughly.....gosh dont know why that has been so hard for me lately, nerves i think.
breakfast was two egg yolks, good amount of beef, a carrot, a little bee pollen and a bit of endive...
its so sunny today i am going to be out in it for the rest of the day:)
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I've been supplementing with magnesium recently, and it loosens my bowels and improves my mood. It also has a long-term cardiovascular benefits.
You might want to try that, jessica. It couldn't hurt to try it for a couple of days. I've been using the Natural Calm brand of supplement. It has stevia powder, but it's possible to find supplements that don't have sweeteners and fillers, if you find them objectionable.
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thank cherimoya, i use mag. occasionally, i drink it every so often and make sure it tastes sweet because to me thats a sign that i am most likely not poopin cause i dont have enough mag. that mag-calm knocks me out, it would be nice to have some now. really cannot take it that often tho as it upsets the balance of salts in my body. my adrenals/kidneys are pretty weak and have issues with this. bitter food usually does it for me for whatever reason, also doing some yoga posses, deeeeeep breathing, twists, large intestine rub down, its like the toilet olympics. i think right now its a bit psychosomatic for me (the pooin issues) but i must say i am much more regular then i ever was in the past. super glad i can poo without coffee each morning as i did from 16-24? and that i can drop a few during the day..........thank you raw paleo you really saved my butt
the rest of the day was outside with lots of sun exposure, it felt amazing
did a lot of chores, feeding the chickens, one of the turkeys laid an egg last night so i am excited to eat that soon..i think the yolks get really tasty if you crack the egg, seperate the white and then just let the yolk hang out in the egg shell for a night, its get chewy and weird and good.
lunch: liver, beef, yogurt, zuke, endives, lettuces and some sunflower greens
lil walking and bike riding then early dinner of about the same thing minus beef, plus a carrot and maybe a little coconut butter
then worked 4 hours, i am up super late for me..i usually am sleeping at 9 pm, really dont like lights and city stimulus in the evening:(
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also i decided to look into moving to montana to work on a farm, totally fuckin random but i really want to see the northern lights this summer
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well here i am, another day gone by....yesterday was saturday
i woke up feeling a bit tired......darn going to sleep at 10:30! id rather at 8:30, definitely feel more rested when i sleep early, even if i have to wake earlier
did some chores, made breakfast and dinner...lots of beef, zuchinnis which i didnt finish eating, carrots, egg yolks, tons of garlic and greens.
laid out in the sun for a bit as i knew i had 8 hours of standing around to do so was trying to be patient with myself, it felt great. i get tan super fast, in two days you can definitely see a difference, no burning either. i think i could be out all day in this really intense sun and perhaps only burn after 6-8+ hours without shade. colorado sun is big and high altitude, its always had this intensity i havent felt anywhere else
went to work and had a decent day, all the women i work with i think have this weird intuition about me that something just isnt right, or something is a bit different about me. hehe. i ALWAYS have the worst gas there because i have one poo thats just hanging out waiting til i can move and relax, i think that when i leave to i will just tell them its for my health :) and if they ask tell them i have been battling something in my gut. getting through this weekend of work then seeing if i can stand just.......one..........more.......week, then that frees up 3 weeks to farm search
i had found some grass fed(albeit pasturied) kalona brand cottage cheese in the dumpster at work(we through out the best food its ridiculous!) and had that for lunch with a carrot an egg yolk and lots of cinnamon...super good and light feeling meal
havent felt like eating as much fat as i have been, or carbs for the most part, really want protein and easy to digest so have been leaving my meat out in the 70+ degree house to get a little slimey...unfortunately i havent been able to keep a big surplus to have any out for a week or so but am stocking up on chunks so i can make some high meat
also got some primal defense probiotics to see if that will help to repopulate my gut with the microbes to digest a lot of the greens i have been eating. this brand really helped me last year when i think i was getting over giardia or some nasty pathogen from either dirty stream water or shrimp.......
feel as though i dont want to take anymore caprilic acid etc candida pills right now....coconut is kinda making me feel not so good.....i dont think it is some sort of detox flu, so i am backing off until i have a taste or want for it again.
i plan to go to the hotsprings again sometime sooon, it really improved my mood. might be the kind of thing i do in the evening tho as it seemed to really calm me down, yah lithium. hope to get some p cubes to take there and make it a fully medicinal experience...my brain is really asking to be blown wide open again:)
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sunday....woke up at 6 and felt low blood sugar but did chores and then ate a shit ton of probiotics on top of raw saurkrat, considered going in late to work like a jerk...ate down a little beef, liver, cottage cheese and greens and then went off to work. had great energy but not much i could do to use it...grrrrr........ate a little cottage cheese, beef, , saurkraut with lots of probiotics and greens on break then felt really weird at work and decided it was best to leave work in favor of sunshine and feeling free. ate a decent dinner of beef, 2 egg yolks, tiny lil piece of liver, milk thistle seed flour and butter, 2 carrrots, cottage cheese, lots of lettuce and some cooked zuchinni..really weird i know but most of this is like i eat half a meal then mash it all up with whatever else i want to eat for the next meal, so it all kind of ends up intermingling by the end of the day. maybe only 1/2 pound of beef total. stopped myself from eating more milk thistle and butter, tasted so bitter and delicious though.......oh well. found another turkey egg today, yum! might eat those(including the cooked white) tomorrow.....no work tomorrow and sunny skies so i am going to get out as much as possible and then maybe a hot springs. same thang every day right now, but my spirit is way up from a last week or whenever that was i was completely out of control feeling.....
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Jessica, may be just my system, but I do so much better eating 'greens' separately, maybe like a snack, or first thing in the morning when hungry. But mixing it with protein (meat) meals, just slows digestion down. For instance, in the morning when I start to get hungry I drink the water of soaked powered sea weed. An hour or two or more I'm hungry again, and then I have protein (meat etc.).. My imagination leads to the imagery of early peoples going out on a hunt in the morning, and finding grasses or herbs, dandelion etc, to chew on while they moved or tracked their prey. Versus them gathering lots of greens and waiting to eat them with their daily kill. Just my guess though.
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thanks van, usually if i start with the greens i am satiated for about 30 minutes then eat, but i do it that way some times too, usually i just want more greens! greenaholic
been feeling better for the most part, not the super explosive energy still but not extremely depressed either
food issue wise i have had some really good days and the a few binges but really feel i have done better than worse
stopped with insane amounts of garlic and candida pills three days ago cause the gas was too intense...started with probiotics, saurkraut and slimy meat.....feel like i am having better digestion already
my last day of work at the grocery store is sunday, hooray, suprised i lasted this long and low and behold some really great opportunities have presented themselves already...seriously its amazing how gracious the universe can be...
its been very sunny and hot here so i have been out in it as much as possible, i am already really tan, actually surprised me how quick my skin gets dark which is great
really just trying and doing and hopefully soon i will just be being:)
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my energy is a bit up........i have been taking 500mg tyrptophan instead of 5 htp, which is A LOT, may need to half the dose, new chapter brand: vitamin C, zyflumend(an herbal anti inflammatory) esterone (herbal estrogenic) and omega-3 caps. fermenting some kraut to accompany my veggies, eating sour yogurt with any dairy and keeping my meat a bit high, not so much but enough that it is digesting with ease. really craving some good cleansing nutrative herbs like dandelion root, cilantro, not craving so much for sweet/starchy veggies. ive been collecting about 3 duck eggs a day and eating the yolks, although i started saving the whites today because they actually seem like something i might like to eat cooked a bit....ill eat one as a mono meal and see if i get the dark circles i used to. also quit that stupid job and have no worries about the future for whatever reason...i am feeling relaxed mentally but have had better energy the last few days....perhaps its the season? i havnt wanted so much for fats......YAY for me i need to drop a few, maybe 5 lbs, and ill be feeling strong and light. i havnt been eating so much in the past few days, sometimes i think i eat to maximum because i go back into old anorexic thinking that i will never eat again (lol really) after a huge meal and that i wont be able to relax, sleep etc.........if i am not stuffed to the gills. its funny because my diet and metabolism used to be a huge sedative but they dont work that way anymore anyway so that was flawed thinking then and even more so now. i have so many random weird oppurtunties in teh future, and am having patience and self control, and understand how i make the best decisions for myself for the first time in my life. maybe this whole you turn 29 and its your "saturn return" year which is like a mid-life crisis of sorts(although i must say i have had 1000000 of those so far) has some merit. anyhow my spirits and energy are up and right now i need to get off this computer and enjoy the day some more
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after i wrote this last entry i ate A TON of pumpkin seeds and dandelion root for whatever reason. i think i craved zinc and fat....and roasted dandelion root is delicious for me. but i am doing better each day cumulatively and have had success in being satisfied with the foods i am preparing for myself each day since. i have been eating at least 3 yolks a day which really helps to keep me full and is much more nutritious and less caloric then the butter and coconut oil i was eating more of earlier, i havent had either for a week or so. yesterday i felt very watery so for dinner i cooked up some blue corn meal and wanted egg whites, so i kind let those steam in there with the corn meal and a few squash seeds from a winter squash i cooked but found WAY too sweet to even eat a few bites of. also lots of delicious raw liver lately, i found a nice supply that is prefrozen but super fresh and delicious otherwise, from a farm not too far off. each day i am feeling like i have more energy, although it hasnt been great improvement it has been steady. i am appreciating my little routine here but realize i am goign to have to move soon and start anew some where else and am really getting prepared for that now, trying to see it as adventure instead of disturbance:) as well as being patient to find the best situation for myself where i can continue to gain health, not be stuck in my routine, but find a situation where it creates even more abundant health for myself and others just by how all the pieces fit together. the sunshine has helped a lot and it might be making up my mind for me between montana and new mexico. i have so many opportunities right now and i know even if i didnt choose any more will always come so i am feeling very optimistic and fortunate about the future.