I believe in raw diet, raw paleo. I haven't always been able to afford it. It's not even that it's not that affordable but my decisions as well as life experiences have made it difficult to maintain a stable income. It is not easy to find work and it is generally highly taxing for the recuperation. It is difficult while working to feed myself properly.
I am 30 now, I feel more than ever life is short. I do not feel excepted by society, I feel as if I have been treated as a curry leaf. Maybe this is my fault as I find it difficult to accept society.
I was never much of a fan of Trump, but I have been listing to conservative talking points and our president. Has anyone read his speech to the boy scouts? This is the thinking that humans need to be successful, I believe. The fact that the majority of Americans railed against it, rail against all of his talking points, is to me showing a deep cynicism and a lack of hopefulness for our human potential. It is difficult to be motivated with what appears to be malice all around you. It is difficult to live in America when there is almost no community of substance, when the communities would rather make your life so miserable and expel you rather than treating you like a neighbor. It is very difficult for those with small families of poor inheritance. I have always tried to keep an optimistic stance, I find being negative only worsens the problem, however when I really think back about all the facts, I am fucking depressed man, woman.
How do I find the community I need to thrive in life. How do I find positive opportunities that can sustain me and I am able to accomplish and take care of myself at the same time. For most it seems so easy, I do not fully understand why it is so difficult for myself. There are many sides to the story. I am so frustrated, I feel I have lost so much opportunity that was and is my life.
I am fucking hungry man. It's not fuckin fun. I'm hoping to go soon to work on my friends farm from near where I grew up. I had so many successes, but my failures have been devastating. I suffer from PTSD. It really sucks when you remember a time of when how sharp you used to be, and later events make you so angry it actually distorts the chemical makeup of your brain and causes you to have violent thoughts when you used to have none. I have a lot of hope for the future. I believe and agree with what GS and Sabertooth have to say most often. I see people drop dead all the time, I feel I have been in danger of that much of my life and it was only agriculture that saved my life. I also see fantastical possibilities beyond anyone I talk to have almost any concept of which I can explain to them with words.
I have to go back and learn from these experiences, it is difficult to remember all of them at once. I supposed I should try to write a book, it is embarrassing to me though as few generally seem interested in listening to what I have to say, it is so difficult to find comradery and even solidarity, much less people who actually agree with a large percentage of your beliefs and ideas.
I have a very negative father, I feel has almost never agreed with me or trusted me with anything really meaningful. He has always blamed me for my mistakes. It is indescribable how painful it feels to write this, to think these thoughts. I feel like I had so much potential. I am very afraid now to try new things, to venture out to work at new opportunities, as I have always struggled to take care of myself properly while helping other people for not sufficient pay for a healthy diet. I supposed part of my problem is I always wanted to save money to have a brighter future more than spend all my money on food. When I had animals it allowed me to be healthy but the drama associated with dealing with other people and not having support with my own operation ultimately created a failure in my health, mental health and ability to continue. When you are struck by tragedy, if you are supported by those around you, you are truly blessed as it is not always easy to find a helping hand.
My plans are loosely to go to my friends farm near where I grew up, to help him around the farm for pay and I'll be able to afford 3 pounds of raw grass fed beef a day easily and more. He is hoping to get goats, cows, pigs, sheep next year. He already has a small hatchery going and a bunch of poultry laying eggs. I am contemplating getting my bartending license, as that would support a decent income. I am contemplating applying for disability, as this would provide me with a support system that would allow me to invest in my agricultural projects. I am contemplating moving to India or Nepal or anywhere that has more entrepreneur opportunities than the united states, which is rated low compared to many countries.
Not everything is bad, I have an acre to work on and grow tropical fruit trees. I have 20 or so I started this year from seed and also 7 I bought in pots. Mamey sapote, Mexican type avacados, custard apples, jack fruit, breadnut, bananas, passion fruit, jujube, tons of mangoes and more. It is funny because despite being so emotional and feeling needy, I am always reminded of how much I have going for me, and how much I have to be grateful for. It sort of creates a false narrative, because I think it causes me to casually lie to myself, as I have failed through my adult life to keep up with the upkeep that is taking care of myself while working on tremendous projects.
I'm sorry for spreading emotionality, for being negative, I am sorry for not being more successful. I am sorry to post something like this on the forum. I post because it is difficult for me to post anything else, it is difficult for me to post when I do not have good news to report. I am sorry, if you see me here, wallowing like a beached animal, it's just, I feel like I have so much to offer. I don't want to be a curry leaf to the people in my life any more.
