:x

[van]

Jessia, this may or may not help,, But here goes.   One of the traps of binge eating is the mental arena  that sets up camp during and especially after the ordeal.  For most,  if one was to have a court stenographer taking down all the words the mind expounds on,  well, it  would be a very lengthy report.   And just as interesting, to engage with the mind only adds pages to the process.   May I suggest that practice simply being with yourself while you binge.  If you go off on yourself with shame, just notice it, and also notice yourself along with it.  Feel everything, including the shame,  the tastes, the fullness in your stomach and allow it.  And allow the chatter against it, and everything else that you can notice.  Allow it all.  Every bit of it.  It's all there for some reason.  I find with myself that when I judge or try to change anything, or try to suppress or avoid, that I lose sense with the real me.  So all my experiences with binging really had something to do with avoiding something, and all my attempts to scold myself did little to reveal myself during the those times.  Boy this is hard to put into words.  But if there's one promise that you can offer yourself, it might be that you'll stay entirely present with yourself while binging, even while going off on yourself, even afterwards or the next day, when you might not feel so well.  Stay with that too.  Should you find yourself judging yourself again, look at that and let yourself come back to yourself. Allow it all.   And what I'll think you'll find is an innate intelligence that will speak to you louder than your shaming or rational thoughts.   And again, allow that.   Your awareness is so much more important than any thought or action related to binging.    It does take practice though, for the mental patterns are most likely pretty well ingrained.  And in those early attempts you might witness a real tug of war between the watching and being with and a part of you that wants the watcher to go away so it can indulge deeper without anyone watching.  But watch and allow that too.  Watch it like you would a small child playing near or walking across the street, with lots of love and attention.  sorry if this reads like a lecture.  But it has helped me tremendously. 

[jessica]

van thank you so much for your post....really.  i am trying to be mindful and conscious and really am just in kind of a life pickle at the moment which is just adding a bit more to the situation then i am able to healthfully handle.  to be honest i have jsut about enough energy and know how to treat myself kindly throughout the day if all i have to do is treat myself kindly throughout the day.  then i chose to accept a job that is really pulling energy away from me taking care of myself and reestablishing some kind of communication with myself that isnt negative.  a lot of this is serious old bad habits and lack of teaching as i was quite insane growing up and also didnt have the best models as parents or teachers and am still very fortunate  to be where am who i am even in this disasterous state. i do loose myself in those old numb patterns and even crazy rages dont feel sometimes.  but my practice now is to be aware, and to be brave to say no to a lot of "securities" like this job that is a lie and also my old bad habits because i know i have to this time and that no matter what something better will happen. 
i feel very swollen and clogged right now, i worked today, i lied all day and my lips are chapped and throat is horse.  i definitely tried to punish or make myself sick or something before work with excessive fat intake...this was to make sure that i was feeling fully rotten about something i already didnt want to do, some kind of self destructive rebellion.......make sense of that.  anyway i still cannot believe this what most people do and keep doing, work shitty jobs, have shitty diets and habits, dont play in the sun all day, talk to 12092840 people they could give a shit about about things they could give two shits about.....it is no wonder we are all fuckin mad and unhealthy......

[jessica]

welp today i decided to let work know i cannot work there! i will try to finish up the rest of the week but if at any time i feel super horrible ill just go home.  i always have to convince myself these are not excuses and i really do need a bit of time to reprogram and heal my peanut brain and breaky heart.  it is because the cause and effect dont seem necessarily congruent until you factor in who i am as an individual. i feel relieved and also although i want to feel dumb for accepting the job in the first place, i will feel that i really learned a lesson about who i am and what i do and do not have tolerances for at the moment. have to go back to being VERY honest with myself and where i am RIGHT NOW...its not permanent, but there are ways i can be more successful and really work through my issues, i just need to ask for the proper help and be sure i am being mindful of the kind of situations i am choosing for myself....

in terms of kicking out this candida thang, well i had some kinda flakey yeasty white stuff on my scalp i havent had for years since i drank alcohol, it would come back after i would binge eat or drink but is always absent when i am in better health...totally gross...!  been taking caprilic acid and grapefruit seed suppliments, coconut oil is super gross to me right now.  i am still lowering my carb intake to a very minimum sustainable level......still will focus on meats, greens, and fats

this morning i ate some greens, a little super sour yogurt, mustard seeds(they are really delicious when you let them soak up all the yogurt....lots of sulphur...hopefully good for the liver and killing candida) 3 egg yolks, a bit of beef and chicken and a carrot....

went for a nice walk, sun is shinning, hope to be able to get over to this very near by LITHIUM! hot springs:) soon.they have a bunch of natural pools and a super hot sauna, i think that would be great for my body mind and soul:)     

[jessica]

pretty sure the rest of yesterday went alright.....
really the only issue is this house/living situation is kind of weird and innervation to me so i am praying that i can be healthful in my own head and body and also find a more healthful living environment
ate pretty well today, really think that egg yolks in the morning is a good idea and will eat more tomorrow.  getting a weird feeling on the back of my tongue from coconut oil now...like itchy/furry.  also have SUPER bad gas today, might be from all the brassicas/cruciferous veggies lately...may be from these supposed candida defeating supplements...not sure.  having energy later in the day is weird.  realized i have to go back on some supplements for my mental health for temporary...i think had i kept taking them when i had gone through all this transition about 5 months ago i would be in a much better place mentally and physically.  we shall see, reintroducing 5 htp...should help with addictive tendencies and lend more energy to my spirit.
really sorry if this journal isnt super scientific or even raw paleo related.... just gotta write this somewhere

[Adora]

Jessica clay water soaked for 3+ days (I just put a couple of tbs of clay in jar and add more water when I drink it down so it gets really wet, then I slosh it a little before drinking it). Also, was helped a lot with a little bit of edible diatomaceous earth in water a tsp on an empty stomach, hold off eating much  till good BM.

[jessica]

what did the clay and diatomacious earth help with?  i have both but will definitely finish taking the caprilic acid, garlic, paudarco and whatever else is in these supplements before i try something else. 
my intestines HURT this morning...two poops and my belly felt quite a bit better
ate a little cooked cauliflower, yellow summer squash and maybe a tbsp of pumpkin seeds? really wanted them:0.. lettuce, parsley, three egg  yolks, a tbsp of coconut oil, and maybe 3 oz of beef, probably less...didnt really have a taste for it and probably could have done with out it.......generous amount(seriously yall would die) of garlic powder on everything.....
it was weird to wake up a little light headed....but i felt like i slept well.  went for quite a long walk last night and jogged a bit and then came home an exercised more...its crazy how weak i feel sometimes, i know i have(had?) this HUGE capacity for physical activity, but right now i feel stuck in the mud.....will be taking 100 mgs of 5htp probably mid morning each day to see if that will help with some serotonin satiation!
still undecided whether or not i can stick out these last four days of work...may have to quit on the spot, the little financial security might help me from freaking out in the future if i can just get through these days.....dont have to decide til tomorrow, just working on making today healthy

[Adora]

     First of all it has to be edible. I guess the other stuff isn't fit for consumption, but I forgot why. I stopped doing the edible diatomaceous earth a while ago, because I heard it was more of a purifier than a builder and I want to build my minerals, I didn't know it would help my stomach. I thought it would help to grow my hair. My daughter has waves to her butt and it grows like crazy. I'm doing everything and it just goes past my shoulders, I didn't do it long enough to see if it would help. It is pretty much pure silica, but I heard it doesn't absorb well. The person who insisted I try it is 80 and almost bald. He has been doing it for years with no problems, but no hair. It helped immediately with gas and bloating. It worked after the first time to pull everything out, then the next few times it seemed to heal the swelling too.
     I take great poops all the time and I think it is because of the initial diatomaceous earth and the continued use of clay in my water. I drink it all day and I love the taste. I like the montmorillonite clay a little better than the french green, it feels softer. It seems to absorb water better. Drinking a little clay in my water is similar in taste to the water I was getting from a lake near my house. There is lots of clay in that water too, so maybe that's why it taste so fresh to me. If/when you try it soak the clay in water for a couple of days first and agitate it a little so the settled clay mixes back in, or just drink the clear water off the top and add more for another time. It seems like once the clay is moistened by the water, adding more water redistributes the minerals immediately.
     You do seem to have your plate full with your current cleanse routine. I don't want to overwhelm you. But, I have almost to GI distress and I was having tons. I just had lots of raw broccoli and coconut oil, amongst a huge load of other raw stuff and I have no gas. I had a little bit of gurgling a while ago but no discomfort with it.
You try when and if your ready, no more from me on the subject

[jessica]

hehe thanks adora...i just dont want to over load my body so much trying to get other things out! but we do have food grade diatomacious earth in the greenhouse, we have lots of doggies around so it was purchased with them in mind.  i love eating fresh clay...there are specific caves in my home town with these crazy creamy white veins of some mineral or another i used to go eat from time to time, i know what you mean about how it can make water have a fresh taste, tastes like the smell in a really cold moist cave.  my stomach was not so bad today i really dont know what yesterday way all about, like i said my intestines HURT this morning, that is not usual no matter how much gas i ever have.  it passed after a few poops this morning, maybe i was getting something out of there?  perhaps ill delve into the earth and clay next week if i am still having bouts of gas:)

  felt pretty low energy today, although i kept busy all day.  about an hour into hiking this after noon i felt as better than i had all day, i think i may need to work back towards my excellent energy levels.  its been a good opportunity at this house to practice explaining myself to people in a really practical and non emotional manner.  i have had to tell a few of the housemates to not be offended if i am not the most social person and that i am a total introvert(at least at this time :0!) and although they really want to take it personally but cant because its not about who they are, its about me and if they want to feel weird about something its me but at least they know where i stand on having to exchange pleasantry's each time i see them.  so glad this is temporary!
feel like i did okay with eating today, cant remember lunch but feel like it didnt include any carbs/carrots.  at dinner i had maybe 3 carrots?
also dinner included a sliver from a chicken bone from lunch in my bowl(i knew there was a reason people washed those things after every meal!) that got lodged in my throat!!!!! i almost yakked it out but then it felt like it dislodged, however now it feels like its still in there so i am hoping thats just pain associated with a wound:( bleh!

[jessica]

i feel like i need to write all this earlier by the end of the day i cant remember the morning!
o but i did post a pic of my breakfast, okay, thinkthink
took my 5 htp early in the am then chicken chores
egg yolks, beef and beef liver, fennel bulb, summer squash and greens.....
had lots of energy after this went for a bike ride, the sun was shining
havent been drinking mate lately !
lots of vitamin c from camu camu
lunch was more beef, egg yolks?, butter, fennel(i have a
slight addiction to the seed powder too, really) zukes, lettuces, endives, maybe a carrot?
then all my energy kinda went into not having anxiety about working this evening.....really tried hard at something, not sure, at being calm? at being where i was instead of in the future...
at last meal at 3pmish, lots of zukes, more fennel, little beef, fish oil, lot of DILL, super oily dill, and two carrots, also maybe an egg yolk.........
really wanted MORE COCONUT OIL, i am even feeling like i would like some right now...i am not sure this is good or bad.....i am not sure if i should buy more or not? also feel like the 5 htp is helping, or perhaps its listening to ALAN WATTS that is helping, or perhaps nothing is helping i dont know

[jessica]

it was hard to fall asleep last night, i felt really wired and didnt until 10pm, which is late for me.......probably should have gone for a walk after work, i did deep breathing and yoga tho and made catnip tea(supposed to be a sedative) and did notice my body felt comatose after a few hours but the ol brain kept tinkering away, heh!  its definitely up to how i feel tomorrow whether i go in for another later shift or "call in sick" which in my head i refer to as "call in healthy!" and say fuck you i am not going to be hanging out in this bright place when id rather be hanging out in the dark cold and loving mama nature and the HUGE MOON  and many planets that lighting the night sky.  it is always a bit harder for me to sleep around full moon time anyway, but i blame work;)!  also always have a hard time poopin with work schedule, i feel like i get to anxious! and also stuck and not able to expend energy and move the body how it wants to:( but not as bad as last week at any rate because i am REALLY TRYING...quite a few times, and just now, i put down this extra serving of fat i think i need for myself after i eat a whole meal....like ill make a bowl of food, devour and then go back to scoopin more fat and more this and that into my bowl like i will never eat again, which is really old addictive and crazy thinking that i am breaking.....my crazy dreams and really paying much attention to them has been EXTREMELY helpful in all of this, just being aware of my unconscious mind at night and letting it play out all these weird random ideas is wonderful, i knew i was so many people but to see each of them in this weird cartoon crazy cinema is excellent and i really try hard each morning to understand what i was trying to work through in the dream world and see how it applies

this morning i had what felt like a large breakfast, maybe 3-4 ounzes of beef, two egg yolks, lot of greens/herbs, fennel bulb(which is a good source of potassium) and some cooked zuchinni......

was feeling kind of tired and decided to learn from the past and head to the hot springs instead of pushing myself to do a crazy amount of physical activity to "wake up" i think sometimes this is just what i do to stimulate my adrenals to give whatever little they have left.......i would like to say i feel as though i made adora and inger proud by submerging in 110 degree water, then doing a 160 degree sauna, and then rolling in the snow and repeating:) it was fun and felt good, although i wanted more cold then hot.  i think this is newer to me because my circulation had definitely improved but also i am a few pounds over weight for the comfort of my body.  i noticed different patterns of red on my arms that have felt so stagnant and gained a bit of weight, like it felt as though the first time those bits has gotten that much circulation in a while. it was fun and i am glad i went and hopefully will spend more time there on my next visit.  i met two wonderful women(hey there adora and inger) in one of the pools and we talked a lot about womens empowerment and all kinds of important issues, really special and inspirational women.

so now i had lunch of one chicken breast, LOT OF COCONUT OIL, i caved and bought coconut oil and this bar of organic creamed coconut.  the creamed coconut had separated into oil and solids and i ate one some of the solids, they were sweet:9 and i think i wanted some sweets, honestly that stuff would be a good substitute for white chocolate although it was a slightly dryer consistency. 2 carrots and lots of greens and cooked zuchinnis........i almost ate a shit ton more coconut oil and a bit more chicken and greens then i stopped and asked myself, what would happen if you didnt eat this? and the honest answer is "well i would be full AND feel okay about myself" hmmmmmm.......seems like it should be the obvious but when you come from a disordered eating background perhaps the wrong answer and thinking used to be  "you should always be empty or you are bad, anytime you are full you should feel bad, and you should eat more to punish yourself and make yourself feel as bad as possible" so luckily my spirit is forcing my brain to pay attention!!!!!!!!and hopefully my body will be thankful and we can all work together
now i am sun bathing and then probably a bike ride or hike

[Adora]

Jessica
  Did you mean that you imagined Inger and I were with you at the pool? Did you meet 2 other women there? I imagine people are with me all of the time when I am alone. I have some of my best visits that way. Godd/ess, friends, relatives, people who have past, people I have never met, imaginary fairies, lovers -   ooh la la, maybe too much. 
    I'm laughing, because if you were imaging us, that is wonderful to me.
I ended up eating the nutritional yeast on top of the eggs. It was so good, but not what we had said. I want it and it feels really good. How bad is the stuff? I guess I should look up. I keep thinking only one more time. I have a less itching today, so that wasn't causing it at least.

[jessica]

heheh no, i actually did meet two very nice and inspiring women...we had a really intense conversation, they were very supportive and encouraging to me it was great.

toady i woek up feeling a bit dizzy........last night i think i ate too much, i got nervous as there were people in the common area and wasnt paying attention to myself, i get out of my own self and body so easily sometimes.  this was something i used to practice while on my fungal friends....holding my self centered and contemplative and aware while in public situations.  aaaah need the fungus.....! soon!
so i ate a decent breakfast and then felt REALLY sad and homesick, then turned that energy into a good hike and run, and was able to poo thoroughly.....gosh dont know why that has been so hard for me lately, nerves i think. 
breakfast was two egg yolks, good amount of beef, a carrot, a little bee pollen and a bit of endive...
its so sunny today i am going to be out in it for the rest of the day:)

[cherimoya_kid]

I've been supplementing with magnesium recently, and it loosens my bowels and improves my mood. It also has a long-term cardiovascular benefits.

You might want to try that, jessica. It couldn't hurt to try it for a couple of days. I've been using the Natural Calm brand of supplement.  It has stevia powder, but it's possible to find supplements that don't have sweeteners and fillers, if you find them objectionable.

[jessica]

thank cherimoya, i use mag. occasionally, i drink it every so often and make sure it tastes sweet because to me thats a sign that i am most likely not poopin cause i dont have enough mag.  that mag-calm knocks me out, it would be nice to have some now.  really cannot take it that often tho as it upsets the balance of salts in my body.  my adrenals/kidneys are pretty weak and have issues with this.  bitter food usually does it for me for whatever reason, also doing some yoga posses, deeeeeep breathing, twists, large intestine rub down, its like the toilet olympics.  i think right now its a bit psychosomatic for me (the pooin issues) but i must say i am much more regular then i ever was in the past.  super glad i can poo without coffee each morning as i did from 16-24? and that i can drop a few during the day..........thank you raw paleo you really saved my butt
 
the rest of the day was outside with lots of sun exposure, it felt amazing
did a lot of chores, feeding the chickens, one of the turkeys laid an egg last night so i am excited to eat that soon..i think the yolks get really tasty if you crack the egg, seperate the white and then just let the yolk hang out in the egg shell for a night, its get chewy and weird and good.
lunch: liver, beef, yogurt, zuke, endives, lettuces and some sunflower greens
lil walking and bike riding then early dinner of about the same thing minus beef, plus a carrot and maybe a little coconut butter
then worked 4 hours, i am up super late for me..i usually am sleeping at 9 pm, really dont like lights and city stimulus in the evening:(

[jessica]

also i decided to look into moving to montana to work on a farm, totally fuckin random but i really want to see the northern lights this summer

[jessica]

well here i am, another day gone by....yesterday was saturday

i woke up feeling a bit tired......darn going to sleep at 10:30! id rather at 8:30, definitely feel more rested when i sleep early, even if i have to wake earlier

did some chores, made breakfast and dinner...lots of beef, zuchinnis which i didnt finish eating, carrots, egg yolks, tons of garlic and greens.

laid out in the sun for a bit as i knew i had 8 hours of standing around to do so was trying to be patient with myself, it felt great.  i get tan super fast, in two days you can definitely see a difference, no burning either.  i think i could be out all day in this really intense sun and perhaps only burn after 6-8+ hours without shade.  colorado sun is big and high altitude, its always had this intensity i havent felt anywhere else

went to work and had a decent day, all the women i work with i think have this weird intuition about me that something just isnt right, or something is a bit different about me.  hehe.  i ALWAYS have the worst gas there because i have one poo thats just hanging out waiting til i can move and relax, i think that when i leave to i will just tell them its for my health and if they ask tell them i have been battling something in my gut.  getting through this weekend of work then seeing if i can stand just.......one..........more.......week, then that frees up 3 weeks to farm search

i had found some grass fed(albeit pasturied) kalona brand cottage cheese in the dumpster at work(we through out the best food its ridiculous!) and had that for lunch with a carrot an egg yolk and lots of cinnamon...super good and light feeling meal

havent felt like eating as much fat as i have been, or carbs for the most part, really want protein and easy to digest so have been leaving my meat out in the 70+ degree house to get a little slimey...unfortunately i havent been able to keep a big surplus to have any out for a week or so but am stocking up on chunks so i can make some high meat

also got some primal defense probiotics to see if that will help to repopulate my gut with the microbes to digest a lot of the greens i have been eating.  this brand really helped me last year when i think i was getting over giardia or some nasty pathogen from either dirty stream water or shrimp.......

feel as though i dont want to take anymore caprilic acid etc candida pills right now....coconut is kinda making me feel not so good.....i dont think it is some sort of detox flu, so i am backing off until i have a taste or want for it again.

i plan to go to the hotsprings again sometime sooon, it really improved my mood.  might be the kind of thing i do in the evening tho as it seemed to really calm me down, yah lithium.  hope to get some p cubes to take there and make it a fully medicinal experience...my brain is really asking to be blown wide open again:)

[jessica]

sunday....woke up at 6 and felt low blood sugar but did chores and then ate a shit ton of probiotics on top of raw saurkrat, considered going in late to work like a jerk...ate down a little beef, liver, cottage cheese and greens and then went off to work.  had great energy but not much i could do to use it...grrrrr........ate a little cottage cheese, beef, , saurkraut with lots of probiotics and greens on break then felt really weird at work and decided it was best to leave work in favor of sunshine and feeling free.  ate a decent dinner of beef, 2 egg yolks, tiny lil piece of liver, milk thistle seed flour and butter, 2 carrrots, cottage cheese, lots of lettuce and some cooked zuchinni..really weird i know but most of this is like i eat half a meal then mash it all up with whatever else i want to eat for the next meal, so it all kind of ends up intermingling by the end of the day.  maybe only 1/2 pound of beef total.  stopped myself from eating more milk thistle and butter, tasted so bitter and delicious though.......oh well.  found another turkey egg today, yum! might eat those(including the cooked white) tomorrow.....no work tomorrow and sunny skies so i am going to get out as much as possible and then maybe a hot springs. same thang every day right now, but my spirit is way up from a last week or whenever that was i was completely out of control feeling.....

[van]

Jessica,  may be just my system, but I do so much better eating 'greens' separately, maybe like a snack, or first thing in the morning when hungry.  But mixing it with protein (meat) meals, just slows digestion down.  For instance, in the morning when I start to get hungry I drink the water of soaked powered sea weed.  An hour or two or more I'm hungry again, and then I have protein (meat etc.)..  My imagination leads to the imagery of early peoples going out on a hunt in the morning, and finding grasses or herbs, dandelion etc, to chew on while they moved or tracked their prey.  Versus them gathering lots of greens and waiting to eat them with their daily kill.  Just my guess though. 

[jessica]

thanks van, usually if i start with the greens i am satiated for about 30 minutes then eat, but i do it that way some times too, usually i just want more greens! greenaholic

been feeling better for the most part, not the super explosive energy still but not extremely depressed either
food issue wise i have had some really good days and the a few binges but really feel i have done better than worse
stopped with insane amounts of garlic and candida pills three days ago cause the gas was too intense...started with probiotics, saurkraut and slimy meat.....feel like i am having better digestion already
my last day of work at the grocery store is sunday, hooray, suprised i lasted this long and low and behold some really great opportunities have presented themselves already...seriously its amazing how gracious the universe can be...
its been very sunny and hot here so i have been out in it as much as possible, i am already really tan, actually surprised me how quick my skin gets dark which is great
really just trying and doing and hopefully soon i will just be being:)

[jessica]

my energy is a bit up........i have been taking 500mg tyrptophan instead of 5 htp, which is A LOT, may need to half the dose, new chapter brand: vitamin C, zyflumend(an herbal anti inflammatory) esterone (herbal estrogenic) and omega-3 caps.  fermenting some kraut to accompany my veggies, eating sour yogurt with any dairy and keeping my meat a bit high, not so much but enough that it is digesting with ease.  really craving some good cleansing nutrative herbs like dandelion root, cilantro, not craving so much for sweet/starchy veggies.  ive been collecting about 3 duck eggs a day and eating the yolks, although i started saving the whites today because they actually seem like something i might like to eat cooked a bit....ill eat one as a mono meal and see if i get the dark circles i used to.  also quit that stupid job and have no worries about the future for whatever reason...i am feeling relaxed mentally but have had better energy the last few days....perhaps its the season?  i havnt wanted so much for fats......YAY for me i need to drop a few, maybe 5 lbs, and ill be feeling strong and light.  i havnt been eating so much in the past few days, sometimes i think i eat to maximum because i go back into old anorexic thinking that i will never eat again (lol really) after a huge meal and that i wont be able to relax, sleep etc.........if i am not stuffed to the gills.  its funny because my diet and metabolism used to be a huge sedative but they dont work that way anymore anyway so that was flawed thinking then and even more so now.  i have so many random weird oppurtunties in teh future, and am having patience and self control, and understand how i make the best decisions for myself for the first time in my life.  maybe this whole you turn 29 and its your "saturn return" year which is like a mid-life crisis of sorts(although i must say i have had 1000000 of those so far) has some merit.  anyhow my spirits and energy are up and right now i need to get off this computer and enjoy the day some more

[jessica]

after i wrote this last entry i ate A TON of pumpkin seeds and dandelion root for whatever reason.  i think i craved zinc and fat....and roasted dandelion root is delicious for me.  but i am doing better each day cumulatively and have had success in being satisfied with the foods i am preparing for myself each day since.  i have been eating at least 3 yolks a day which really helps to keep me full and is much more nutritious and less caloric then the butter and coconut oil i was eating more of earlier, i havent had either for a week or so.  yesterday i felt very watery so for dinner i cooked up some blue corn meal and wanted egg whites, so i kind let those steam in there with the corn meal and a few squash seeds from a winter squash i cooked but found WAY too sweet to even eat a few bites of.  also lots of delicious raw liver lately, i found a nice supply that is prefrozen but super fresh and delicious otherwise, from a farm not too far off.  each day i am feeling like i have more energy, although it hasnt been great improvement it has been steady.  i am appreciating my little routine here but realize i am goign to have to move soon and start anew some where else and am really getting prepared for that now, trying to see it as adventure instead of disturbance:) as well as being patient to find the best situation for myself where i can continue to gain health, not be stuck in my routine, but find a situation where it creates even more abundant health for myself and others just by how all the pieces fit together.  the sunshine has helped a lot and it might be making up my mind for me between montana and new mexico.  i have so many opportunities right now and i know even if i didnt choose any more will always come so i am feeling very optimistic and fortunate about the future.