Round 2: From addiction to recovery

[KD]

I'm about to toss all my eggs into the low-protein basket as I have yet to see anything convincing me that any protein in excess of nitrogen balance is a good thing and nitrogen balance can be achieved in remarkably low amounts (30-50g/day).

I've been thinking about mentioning that in re: eggs, how easily that can alter protein intake even with little muscle meat. I remember when you commented in my journal about how even though my percentage 18:04:78 p:c:f, was quite low that my level in grams was high at 129 g protein, 33 g carbs and 268 g fat due mostly to eggs. I havn't calculated recently, but I'm sure its much lower protein now.

If you look into Nora Gedgaudas work (which I'm sure you have) she suggests a similar logic, but basically when one does the math, its unlikely to have such a low protein (in grams) without having a very low intake in total calories. The only way in doing so, of course is eating vast amounts of ruminant fat ( or dairy fat, or fruit and plant fats and oils I suppose) which would mean in nature either scavenged, or discarding a large portion of the kill based on its high protein.

It could be suggested that this issue was indeed a factor in Inuit health or validates some of the more 'superficial' findings about cave peoples in terms of life span etc...but in a way going with the low-protein, it would make me more convinced that the ratio of carbs was probably much higher, or that its requirements higher for carbs and were unmet during worldwide disapora.

I tend to believe it might be somewhere in the middle, with protein being at a similar level in terms of a percentage (perhaps slightly higher than 10%), but probably a much higher level in amount (grams) with total energy expenditure with primitive hunters being far increased.

At the very least, eating a moderately low protein intake with a large percentage of raw animal fat, must have benefits in itself compared to high protein diets or even SWD, even if it is not in absolute low levels of protein, and given for fat-burners that protein doesn't create abnormal amounts of glucose.

anecdotaly, I've tried eating protein intermittently with fat only meals, its pretty challenging. Eating say a few .25 lb muscle meat/fat meals, with a few eggs at other times of the day seems pretty reasonable to me right now, but I'm considering other experiments myself.

[Paleo Donk]

I think my main philosophy when it comes to diet is that generally speaking I would like to provide my body with nutrition as efficient as possible, which implies putting my body through the least amount of work to obtain its necessary requirements. This is essentially the raw paleo mindset - in that cooking food places additional strain and energy requirements on the body to achieve the same amount of nutrition that is provided by raw foods. All the extra toxins and damaged molecules don't have to be dealt within the body. Excess protein conversion, I believe to be rather noxious as I will try to explain later when I get all my sources together.

It may be that all animals essentially eat a high fat diet when you take into account all the conversion of fiber and excess glucose to fat. So, why not provide the body with the fat already present? It would be very interesting to see how a gorilla would fare on a high raw animal fat diet. Perhaps they are better served turning fiber into fat than actually eating it? I'd also really be interested in seeing if pandas do well with raw fats. Actually if we can show that gorillas or other natural herbivores/omnivores survive in excellent health with a high raw animal fat diet then I might not need to read another study again as this would essentially prove to me that animal fat is the key. I kind of want to go buy some rodents right now and test this out.

It seems humans have a necessary glucose requirement of around 50g/day and so to me this would make sense to simply eat some carbohydrate. Perhaps higher activity levels would necessitate even more carbs. There are also plenty of vitamins and minerals that are scarce on a modern zero-carb diet that would seem to point us towards certain vegetation to obtain these nutrients.

It is true that an extremely high-fat diet would be difficult to obtain in nature and the idea is certainly rooted in the scavenging theory. I think its possible for a diet that is not obtainable naturally by animals to be substantially better than their natural diet. It could be that we always were on the look out for fat and simply substituted carbs whenever fat was not around.

[Paleo Donk]

Its really amazing the highs and lows of depression. One moment you feel like you have thoroughly convinced yourself that you are so worthless and will never make it anywhere and you have tremendous evidence to prove it so - and then the next you feel like you want to give the world so much love and be active in this world and connect with all the people around you. You also have this supremely confident self willing to take risks and fail. I continue to search my mind for wisdom that will keep me at peace, comfortable with what I am and what I have. This is what drugs do. They let you accept yourself. There is no more hate. The mind no longer focuses on the insignificant, the sheer pain it was once in. Things get done.

I've been having these moments at least once every few days where I will see something or think or about something that makes me cry. It feels wonderful to cry. I was watching the movie Invincible with Mark Wahlberg where he plays a 30 year old guy that makes it onto the Eagles during an open tryout. I want to be that guy. I cried so much watching that movie. Envisioning that success for me is extremely pleasant and comforting. Its funny because I'm 29 and would love to see where my athletic potential will take me.

And right when things start to look like they are picking up steam I'll have sat behind my computer for three days straight doing nothing, eating poorly and in lots of physical and mental pain. Its such a slow process I suppose. My commitment isn't quite there and I can convince myself of all things negative almost naturally now that making myself think positively can be a chore.

I'm looking to get away and scramble around for a living teaching english in vietnam for a year. I'm still feeling good about this and might be there in early october.

[Paleo Donk]

I seem to gain and lose weight very easily depending on the carbohydrate in my diet. This last week or so I gained around 10 pounds. I'm guessing mostly water but it just seems like an enormous amount as I don't even feel like I am eating all that much. I am definitely overeating when carbs or cooked foods find their way into my diet. I gave my yolk diet a rest and ate quite a bit of cooked food, even some junk like cake and ice cream. I think the scale actually went from 186ish to 199. Just unbelievable really. This all coincides with my parents coming back and refilling the fridge again with their foods.

I have also bought a cheap digital thermometer and measure my temps randomly throughout the day and am averaging in the low 97's. Not horrible but my hands and feet still feel colder than most especially when I shake people's hands. My limbs also fall asleep pretty fast as well.

I have kept up with my liver cleansing protocol making sure I take my chinese tinctures. Castor oil packs are a really nice way to relax and something I would recommend everyone try. Apple cider vinegar in small amounts once a day with some iodine the last few days. I am going to be doing a liver flush very soon and see if this bombardment of liver cleansing things does anything. I am still unsure about what to do on the day of the flush but I think I will stick to fasting after 2 p.m.

I have also been convinced by a family therapist to go to a half-way house of sorts. I really can't get anything together here in my parents house. Its just a black hole for me with the computer in front of me. I am definitely feeling better but I really need some structure in my life. For at least a month.

[miles]

If your limbs fall asleep that's bad circulation. I've had that if I ate too much fat, or too much sat-fat or something... I don't remember if the soft brisket fat would cause it, even in the largest quantities. But fat.. too much fat, anyway, I think your problem was..

[Paleo Donk]

Hello Miles,

I am going to use your above statement to further dictate to everyone my personal philosophies on the matter of attributing causation to different factors in diet. It seems to me that once a person has an inkling or just the smallest seed of security about a connection between dietary factor and human physical condition that this person will without a doubt try to confirm this belief at every instance possible. And the more information gathered, the more this connection will be confirmed. It is nearly impossible to break away from this type of thinking as we are programmed to make these very connections. What is troubling is that modern society is many magnitudes more complex than what we evolved in and so the connections we have made have run astray and have little to do with reality. Its like looking at a very starry night and picking out the dots that connect with the current image in your mind. Humans are so incredibly good at picking out the dots that align exactly with their current story its scary. Scarier indeed is the ego that possess us so tightly in this modern world that we may almost never admit to even looking to challenge our own so sacred thoughts.

This is why I like to think that I will continually look for reasons why my thoughts are wrong. It is so easy to see how I can perpetuate my own connections. I do so without trying. It is so natural and comfortable. But to admit that your thinking is wrong or partially distorted is perhaps the key to life. Once you have motivation to change your thoughts and accept that you are not your thoughts, life can become so much easier. Depression is so hard to let go because of my attachment to the 'fact' that I am worthless. Its so easy to find instances where I look worthless and virtually AM worthless or situations where my presence is wholly a negative. My own confirmation bias of myself is so deeply ingrained within me. I am slowly pulling my way out of this enormous hole that I have dug for myself. Luckily I have some excellent tools to get out now. I just need to find myself far away from the edge of this hole because it seems so easy to fall right back in.

[miles]

Nice post, but what what does it have to do with my 'statement'?

The only thing I said was that if your limbs fall asleep easily, then you are experiencing poor circulation... The other things I said were 'in my experience's, and 'I think it may's. I didn't even say I thought the fat was bad in causing the poor circulation, just that there seemed like there may be some correlation in my experience, between the two.

[Paleo Donk]

Hello Miles,

You are correct that my post had little to do with your statement, I've just had these thoughts about dietary connections for a while and reading through the black swan again has further cemented these thoughts and I just really needed an excuse to get them out.

All,

Hopefully this will be one of my last posts for a long while. I am going to stay at a half-way house type place as I simply cannot get my life in order at my parent's house. I thought I could but there is no real fire under my belly. I have nearly run out of money so its imperative that I get a job and stop talking about getting a job. There are so many days where I feel so close to having everything coming together but at the end of the day I still don't have a job, and am not doing the things that I really would love to do. Volunteer to help others, play sports, do other outdoor activities, rehab my joints, talk to women, do serious practice overcoming my phobias, taking better notes of my dietary progress, and more.

I had a great epiphany this past week in a family therapy session. I have, from what I remember always been extraordinarily angry. I have talked about this many, many times in this journal. My first memories are of me being angry when I lost board games. I never understood why I was so angry and why I cried out in so much pain whenever I lost. Why was I self sabotaging myself?

It appears that I was crying out for someone to be my parent. I needed someone to tell me how to act. I was desperately needing an authority figure. Someone to tell me not to act a certain way. I grew up with a tremendous amount of 'love' with both my parents and grandparents at my side. I was virtually never told that it wasn't ok to act out. Its funny because I do tell people very bluntly how I think they should act in certain situations. But, what I am really doing is trying to myself that. I had this uncontrollable crying session once I was helped to piece together the puzzle leading me to believe the connection is very strong.

I know whats right and wrong, I  need to start listening to myself. I need some structure first and this is the reason for the half-way house. I don't really know how to live. I've done my laundry three times in the past year, which is a record high actually.

On a very positive note, I ended up with the grand slam ball hit by one of the Astros in their game against the Brewers yesterday. It was hit right to me. I finally made it on to sportscenter.

[miles]

Got a clip?

[PaleoPhil]

Good luck, PD, and good health.

[Paleo Donk]

Hello All,

I just picked up my 30-day chip at my half-way house which is given out for those who achieved 30 consecutive days a row of sobriety. I have been technically(from substances) sober for longer but not anywhere near mentally and I have finally been put in a situation where I can look really get to know myself.

Excluding myself from my computer and from my solitude has miraculously put me in a much better place in life. I did however suffer from perhaps the most depressing thoughts I have ever had the first few days in my new place. I thoroughly convinced part of me (whatever that means) that I was useless and would be so the rest of my life and that my actions as a whole would be a net negative (in terms of expected value) to the world. The clear solution to this is suicide. The whole world would benefit, not to mention some life insurnace money for my parents. Luckily not all of me had come to terms with this but mathematically it made sense. Somehow these feelings left. I realized I loved everybody else but myself. I really hated myself and many of the titles I had carried so tightly. Even my diet was a significant part of who I was. I was better than everyone because of my failing diet...

Going to 12 step meetings everyday and being around people in recovery has been an incredible experience and I no longer think of myself as worthless. I am also no longer following any sort of diet. I eat lots of fast food, lots of sweets, it all tastes so good and I feel pretty good to. I have a job where I tutor 9th graders in math all day. Its a perfect job for me. I enjoy coming to work.

One point I wanted to make was that as much as our food is polluted with toxic elements the society we live in is probably equally or more "polluted" with elements that we have not evolved to deal with accordingly and thus I must continually do what it takes to detox from these mental, emotional and behavioral challenges. I have enormous struggles overcoming the years of mistaken beliefs, enabling and the such that have dominated my life. Like with diet, these continuous stresses have accumulated within me to "toxic" levels and like many here must diet daily to stay in good health I must partake in a number of different cognitive behavioral strategies to stay healthy. The best strategy is simply to be with other people who have empathy for you and to talk about whatever it is that is on our minds. This is exactly what the half-way house has provided me - an environment where I can express myself without fear. My roomates are tremendous and the meetings, though I don't agree completely with all the 12 step program, have set me free of my tumultuous struggle with the definition of God. I am the most spiritual I have ever been and probably the least religious and I feel so content with this.

Life, of course is not all rosy with bloody lamb shanks but the confidence I have to find help is growing. I am attending family therapy and have a few friends that have been talking honestly to about failry regularly, one of whom has helped bunches is a guy who posts here who's name starts with K and ends with D.

I am trying to take things slowly and in moderation. I was going to avoid this board for much longer but realized this practice would have been too strict. I can live with moderation for certain things. Drugs and alcohol not so much. Internet, yes. I was going to do the same with women - avoid them completely but I think this too was too perfectionist. I do have codependt tendencies but not to the point of addiction.

I will not post much at all, but I did want to check in with an update.

One dietary note - I did complete a successful liver flush the day before I went to my place. Lots and lots of small green stones came out. I felt no different the day after but could "feel" my gallbladder for the next couple weeks. I would like to come back to rpd at sometime in the future its just not something I want to think about right now.

[PaleoPhil]

Congrats on your success, PD. I agree that there are more negative factors in modern society than just diet, including less time spent just socializing face-to-face with friends and family, which is why I term my own approach "ancestral lifestyle" instead of just "ancestral diet".

[djr_81]

I'm glad that you're finding your own way PD.
Congrats on the 30 day chip.

[Paleo Donk]

Hello all,

One of the best things I have done is stop posting in this forum. Not that it is generally bad, just not a good idea for me. I believe I was attempting this diet not because I liked myself but because I didn't like myself. It fed my ego enormously. I was better than everyone else because I had the perfect diet. I attempted perfectionism with this diet completely idiotically. I went without vegetation, eating just once a day ignoring all the terrible hunger pangs in such vein to do this thing right. I essentially tortured myself and paid the price later with uncontrollable cravings for food I never even cared to eat before.

I'm not saying raw paleo is bad only that my methodology of attempting to attain perfectionism with complete rigor was highly dangerous. It really is ok to take a very long time to ease into this diet especially since no one really knows whats going on. Its ok to eat suboptimal foods. Its ok not to control every facet of this diet. I had no control over my own life and tried deeply to control something with this diet. It was a terrible addiction in itself.

For me to attempt any kind of major food restriction again, I would have to love myself completely. I am not there yet but have improved since my last post. My energy level isn't where I want it to be but my ability to pull myself out of my own self pity and self-hatred is much better. I still have some deep resentments against quite a few people including some in this forum but I am working on letting them go as well. It simply takes a very long time to reprogram a depressed mind. I am more social now than ever before in a sober state that is and have had some good success asking random girls out (yes a brag, and one that I am very proud of). I've been slightly petrified of the opposite sex since I can remember so it feels good to finally, effing finally be able to have that confidence to let go of the guilt and shame that I might face by saying something awkward and just say something, anything carefree.

I'm a little fat and a lot happy. I can eat half a dozen doughnuts and feel good about it too.

[wodgina]

Good onya mate. The internet can be a curse.

Haven't had a donut for about 5 years heh enjoy them fatty.

[Paleo Donk]

I still struggle with loving and accepting myself. And the one constant that seems to work all the time is being as completely and rigorously honest as possible to the point of brutality. I've held back enormous amounts of emotions and thoughts over the course of my life and its all coming out now. I still am not ready to post on this forum or participate in much of anything that can lead to addictive behavior(bad habits in general) since I can already see myself worrying about whatever the fuck I posted being correct from others perspectives. I am still wildly insecure about my own existence and am still learning to accept everything that I am.

There is this strongly ingrained fear about not being worth anything coupled with an overaggressive ego that makes me think the universe has blessed me with everything that it could offer. I literally have these thoughts where I will walk down this path of perfectionism in my mind thinking that no human on earth has been blessed with the talents I posses - Attractiveness, logic and reasoning, athleticism.. I seem to have it all some moments in time. There is no human greater than I. PaleoPhil would be worth one millionth of my worst shit ever. I will think I have all the answers which consist of a raw diet, hang power cleans, liver flushing and mindfulness. Just do these things and you will be able to dunk a basketball with a smile on your face and feel good about yourself.

And then again most days I'll have to force myself to smile at people without thinking how much better I am than them when the truth is that I'm no different than anyone else. This includes rapists, murders, child molestors, all the bad posters on this forum or whatever. I could have easily been any of these people. I feel no different than them. I just got lucky that I wasn't in their situation. I am you. I just happen to have lived in a different set of circumstances. I am nothing. I just got lucky to be who I am. I didn't try for any of it. There is nothing special about me. All I can do is observe myself and protect what was given to me. My character defects are not me either. My existence wants truth and thats it. Thats all that makes me happy and sets me free.

I will separate from that mind that has kept me alive when I was a child and let it all go. But for now I'm sure I will see someone as I drive home tonight who I'll wish would have just run himself off the road into a fiery grave because it looked like he was going to cut me off or maneuver through traffic better and more dangerously than i would - but that would only be for an instant.

[KD]

There is this strongly ingrained fear about not being worth anything coupled with an overaggressive ego that makes me think the universe has blessed me with everything that it could offer. I literally have these thoughts where I will walk down this path of perfectionism in my mind thinking that no human on earth has been blessed with the talents I posses - Attractiveness, logic and reasoning, athleticism.. I seem to have it all some moments in time. There is no human greater than I.

You needed a nut cracker to crack pecans, wtf? Just put two together in one hand and squeeze them together. My 80 year old grandpa dying of cancer showed me this trick.

Yeah, when I deliver you to hell you can tell gramps that I now crack three!

excuse me, I have chalk up and get back to my metcon....



"There can be only one"

[Paleo Donk]

Hello peoples - I'm getting closer to restricting food choices again. Though not that close - just had rice pudding with chocolate gelato. But restricting food choices for me means that I completely accept who I am. This is very hard for me since there are some parts of me who sincerely believe that I am very much scum of the earth, a huge creep, with horrible logic (especially at deciphering Taubes, etc...), ugly, small genitalia, whatever inadequacy you can think of I can project on myself. Nobody sees this of course but my natural defense mechanism in the face of stress is to make sure I tell myself I am worthless (this ensures that I don't have to face problems and stay in a safe zone). The ultimate in this line of thinking is suicide - the complete absence of feeling emotions ever again. I said some silly suicidal remarks while playing golf yesterday - The results of golf at times can be so overwhelming that I cannot think anything else exists outside of the last shot I just took.

But like I said, I'm closer than ever to accepting myself and loving myself for the person I am. There is still a very strong association between my past and survival that I am attempting to break with multiple strategies taken from popular cognitive behavioral therapies along with a weekly therapist. I'm at the point where I am ready to cut the string from these defects of thinking but its very hard to do since they resonate so deeply and can make such good arguments(especially when women who I meet and appear to be extraordinarily interested in me and then do not return my texts or calls). I can believe these voices which are essentially just my survival mechanisms kicking in. They will be reversed and let go. So perhaps a few more months or however long it takes is fine with me.

I have sporadically eaten raw meat the past 4-5 months but really only out of convenience and never grass fed. I've followed this up with donuts immediately after with no ill effects. I've also stopped taking medication with no signs of withdrawal that I can notice.

And a random thought - metabolic advantage seems like complete nonsense to me. What makes most natural sense to me is a diet with the worst metabolic advantage - i.e. one that takes the least amount of energy to process nutrition. Fat takes the least energy for us to store.

[wodgina]

I've done exactly the same thing to avoid emotions. I do convince myself I've got some disease, or focus on some imperfection and then I just don't have to do anything. I don't have to deal with the pain or uncomfortablness of cleaning my house or working hard at my job or even talking to that girl I like.

It's a very human thing to do.

[lex_rooker]

PD, I suffered dreadfully from feelings of inadequacy when I was younger (last year?), anyway, as Andrew says it’s part of being human.  I went through my first 35 years convinced that I wasn’t worth much and others were much smarter (much better at everything in life) than I was.  I was miserable.  My first cathartic moment was when I went to my 20 year high school reunion.  I dreaded going as I was the nerd that everyone picked on and I just didn’t want to deal with that again.  What a surprise.  All those people that had made my life miserable were now struggling with there own problems.  I graduated in the late 60’s and a good percentage of my class was dead from drug overdose.  My best friend was on the streets pushing a shopping cart – brain fried on LSD.  As bad as I had thought my life was, others were far worse, and those popular jocks and the beautiful people that had been the life of the party in high school were now struggling with their own problems as no one cared about them anymore once they graduated.  Football hero and Homecoming Queen were of little value on a resume.

If you read my journal you’ll find that diet is just a means to an end for me.  It has taken me almost 60 years, but I finally came to understand that I had to decide what was important in life.  I spent the last 20 years taking care of a friend with Alzheimer’s. When she finally died at 90, I decided that quality of life was far more important than quantity of years lived.  I also decided, that for me, the ability to follow my passions was MY definition of “quality”.

As young children we spend our time running and playing, living life with great gusto, giving no thought whatsoever to our bodies or what others think.  We are totally absorbed in the wonders all around us. We only think of our bodies when we allow others to decide what is important or when something physically stops working correctly.  Other than that, our bodies should be transparent as we become absorbed in living our lives. We should be focused on what has captured our imaginations in the here and now rather than how we feel physically or mentally.

My goal has been to recapture that spirit of youth where I spend little time thinking of how I feel, or what others think of me or what I’m doing.  As I did as a child, I again rush through meals just so I can get back outside and "play".  The role of food in my life is to fuel my body such that I have the best health and the most energy possible to enjoy the wonders of everyday living that most ignore or take for granted.  No matter how long we live, in the grand scheme of things, life is short and I want to make the most of it.  We all face the same challenges.  It’s how we handle them that matters.  If I could live my life over I’d do everything the same – even the early years when I was so miserable – for it was having to deal with all my problems (many of them self inflicted), and the good and bad experiences that have come together to make me who I am.  I’ve found that to be happy I have to embrace life… all of it, and unconditionally accept who and what I am, for you see, I made me this way, one problem and decision at a time over the last 60 years.

I wish you a Merry Christmas, and may everyday bring you joy as you continue to create who you are and what you will become in this epic adventure called life.

Lex

[Ioanna]

thank you, lex. i always enjoy your posts and take care to read your entries, but this last one i can really appreciate.

The results of golf at times can be so overwhelming that I cannot think anything else exists outside of the last shot I just took.

gosh, how humbling what you wrote.. my entire idea of my self worth in high school and college was based on my sport performance... i wouldn't change my passion/competitiveness, but wish i saw the bigger picture.

[Paleo Donk]

My goal has been to recapture that spirit of youth where I spend little time thinking of how I feel, or what others think of me or what I’m doing. 

Thanks for the Christmas present, Lex. This quote above is essentially my goal -to return to the very carefree and honest existence that I believe humans truly are meant to have as they leave the still stone-age womb. We are somewhat unfortunately born into an industrialized crib that from the get-go breaks us apart from our natural pre-programmed set of instructions that still wants us to use stone tools and eat stone-age foods.

One other statement that you keep posting and one that has probably helped me the most is the fact that you have no attachment to this way of eating. It simply works now and will switch if necessary. I was very attached to this method of eating and would fervently defend THE diet online but would always run into trouble with debating and the feeling of worthlessness if I made mistakes. I realize now I most likely purposely put myself in situations where my prophecies about myself would be fulfilled.

Yet another aspect that I enjoy about your posts is that you allow others to have their own stories and biases and don't go off on tangents trying to defend every possible little facet of your diet. For me, my reactions when someone would pick apart my diet online would be to freak out first and then scour medical journals and the such for evidence to back me up. And then this would take up all my time and energy and rarely would yield a satisfactory answer.

To me this is simply my over-alarmed survival system kicking in gear - I am worthless is the set premise in my head which translates in my subconscious brain into ---> "You are in danger, fight for your life". So I did that. Now if I can change the premise in my head from "I am worthless" to "I am valuable" (which is inherent in us when we are born) then I can proceed with my life without scouring through medical journals (which I care very little about) and with doing things wrong and being fine with them.

Its somewhat ironic that I must learn how to unlearn. Diet is just one means to this and I think I a fairly small piece to me. (Small piece in that as you also like to say and many others agree - that the biggest gains come from dropping the worst offenders - refined modern foods) The neural maps in my head need some readjusting and it takes persistence and practice to reverse such things. Once I have done all this then I can go out and kill wild boar with stone tools and feast on their brains!

[KD]

To me this is simply my over-alarmed survival system kicking in gear - I am worthless is the set premise in my head which translates in my subconscious brain into ---> "You are in danger, fight for your life". So I did that. Now if I can change the premise in my head from "I am worthless" to "I am valuable" (which is inherent in us when we are born) then I can proceed with my life without scouring through medical journals (which I care very little about) and with doing things wrong and being fine with them.

Its somewhat ironic that I must learn how to unlearn. Diet is just one means to this and I think I a fairly small piece to me. (Small piece in that as you also like to say and many others agree - that the biggest gains come from dropping the worst offenders - refined modern foods) The neural maps in my head need some readjusting and it takes persistence and practice to reverse such things. Once I have done all this then I can go out and kill wild boar with stone tools and feast on their brains!

Yeah, that whole scouting medical journals thing is so 2010 for you. I think you have to give yourself tremendous credit. Likely the reason you are in the spot you are in is because you probably do give a shit alot more than your peers about these things and asking tough questions. Ultimately this might get you into deeper holes, but as long as you don't waste all your energy digging you should be able to use the experiences to your benefit that others cannot. You can see you are wising up already to actually isolating the problems and moving forward. With your knowledge of recovery, how many people do you know that can really come to terms with such things so quickly and implement lasting progress? Ultimately you are still younger it seems than the ages Lex listed for many of his breakthroughs, but don't you go using that as excuse to slack of for 5 more years!

---------
And that's just it, Doc - my mind has always been my Achilles' heel! - The Tick

[Paleo Donk]

gosh, how humbling what you wrote.. my entire idea of my self worth in high school and college was based on my sport performance... i wouldn't change my passion/competitiveness, but wish i saw the bigger picture.

If this struck a chord with you, then there are probably quite a few things that you want to be honest about but simply cannot because you are afraid.


I'm still continuing to work relatively hard on overcoming my depressive thoughts and I am still not there but trending upwards. There are a few things I still need to become honest with my family that hopefully will be close to the last major cleaning house that needs to be done. It has to do with childhood sexuality that I have tried to forget for the last 15 years that I created myself. I want my mind to free so bad, to be free from that voice deep inside that comes out and reminds me that I am failure and to not try and to hunch my shoulders and put my head down and not show my emotions and to not go talk to a beautiful woman and to not say anything when someone wrongs me. Just keep it in and say nothing, its so easy. I'm an addict to making things easy for me. Its so easy to hide my feelings. I love it when I can raise my head high, smile and tell people how I really feel all without much thought, just natural human spirit flowing through me. It happens every now and then.

Also Ive planned a trip to visit KD during spring break. I'm excited! Also, I'm going to find PaleoPhil while I'm up there, punch him in the gall bladder, remove it, tear it open and go the nearest lake and spend hours skipping all the stones that are in there. Then I won't have to hear him complain about him not gaining weight or getting chapped lips from consuming too much honey.

[KD]

no no no no no no no no no no no no no we won't do that.