:x

[jessica]

well although i was hoping for a more anonymous place to write this i am going to be doing a little journaling here to keep myself accountable and aware of my energy and habits for the next short while.  i figured this was a good place because i have written a lot before so there is somewhat a history of my self and health and figured that it might be of some help to another who has a similar constitution in some form or another.  (if anyone actually reads this or previous posts :p) might not read or reply to responses or suggestions much, like i said i really just need a little place for me and this is as easy as anywhere so hi 

whatever i am doing right now seems necessary for me due to a few things
the november before last i went out to work on a friends farm out in the middle of nowheres.  i was at the ideal weight and extremely active at the time, my adrenals, at teh time, were running on hyper active stress mode although i thought i was just having great energy due to my awesome health!  farm work was hard and i learned some things i should and shouldnt have in my diet at the time.  i was a totally cranky hungry !!!!!! and lost a lot of weight...had issues with the well water(high calcium=no good for my kidneys) as well as anemia and gallbladder(no more olive oil EVER!)....so after this i went to "rest" for one month which included such rediculousness as overexercising because i was still hyper active...its like being in shock to me when i have that much energy!!! and not really resting at all and then went off to farm for another season, the first two weeks of which i spent pooping my life out and went from underweight to emaciation and wasnt really able to gain back up to more then a little underweight by the end of the season.  there was a lot of stress that wasnt physical that really didnt help.  i was still smoking herb to fall asleep(noisey roommates ggrr...) taking some suppliments and learning just how allergic i am to certain things (ie nightshades swell the bottoms of my feet, give me crippling arthritic pains and also burn the hair off my skin when i work with them in the garden!) but it was great because i learned that i can tollerate some dairy(YOGURT!) and BUUUTTTTERRR.....i ate a lot of butter:)

so i freaked out mentally at the end of that farm job and went to live in my home town and TRY TO RELAX and get my head straight, which didnt work and i continued to run myself into the ground for the next three months............but i did gain back considerable weight, just really unceremoniously and maybe gained a bit to much, also in doing so with such haste i think i beckoned my old friend candida from the depths of my bowels !  and realized just how delicate my little system is these days and how loudly and abruptly she is willing to let me know what not to do.  thanks body, i am stupid up here in my head!  the good thing is that in that time i started to sleep........A LOT!  and without any herbal medication...i am super excited about that as it has been YEARS...i dont and hadnt really used it recreationally so i am happy that i dont feel i depend on it any more.  also i realize i cannot drink any alcohol, ever, not even a sip, and am really happy that that has been made perfectly clear to me. 

so now here i am out in the middle of nowheres with enough, i hope, peace and quite and free time and solitude to work on my mental health first, as well as making sure i am taking care of my body.  since i felt i had this weird candida entity(i feel it is in my blood, its given me fevers, blisters, cystic zits a long time ago(pre no grains/alcohol/chocolate days), horrible mood and bowels, really dark circles, and ear wax ! but not traditional yeasty type stuff except maybe a gooey mouth feeling and kinda sinus drain stuff...wow i sound gross hey!)  a lot of those symptoms, if not all have really gone away for quite a while and i am not really experiencing many besides a bit of brain fog, fatigue, edema......mostly i just want real healthful energy back and am working towards actually knowing what that is and using it when i have it and learning to relax as well.  so basically a few days ago i was really craving coconut oil.........i have tried it in the past and its made me feel allergic so i havent really ever used it for much, it also gives me blackheads and hasnt really been great on my skin so i was skeptical of my craving but have been feeling kinda overwhelmed by some yeast or something so i said ok.  i have been eating that by the spoonfull for the last two days, as well as focusig on cutting out as many carbs as i was eating...ive been eating lots of cooked carrots and peas which i love but hey...not so much right now, also no more grapefruit, and no more pumpkin seeds, these were all great to help me gain weight but now i need to stabilize it and work on my physical health...and just eating more greens, including collards and kale which is good cause i already eat a few heads of lettuce a day and usually parsley and cilantro so extra greens is great...and brocolli, cauliflower and zuchinnis, celery....with meat, fresh egg yolks, some butter, some cod liver oil....i can see a raw dairy from where i sit so will go over there and get some cream and make my own butter soon, also some bone marrow yum...i am going to keep up with the coconut oil as it seems to be giving me good energy and makes me spit a lot?...i have eaten almost half the jar in two days........:9! i also added some probiotics.  i have a little swelling in my ascending colon area for the last week and feel lots of water down there so i am hoping that goes away...thats all i have the patients to report right now.....

[jessica]

so day one of lots of coconut oil madness i think i ate about 5 tbsp? my belly felt pretty good

woke the next day feeling a bit groggy, didnt look as swollen as i have lately, also did crave as much salt but at another, had a nice clean feeling mouth an tounge, but not too much energy til the afternoon when i went for my first run in quite a few weeks(ankle injury!!!!!!!!!) so that was awesome, i havent had much explosive energy like that, just kinda steady sluggish energy ..........ate seriously 1/3-1/2 of the jar of coconut oil!!!!! weird, its all i wanted to eat....hm

day three: night mares!!! haha but psychic...definitely dreamt about fear of bulbs going out and wouldnt you know first thing this morning the bulb in my light went out........hm...i also accepted a job job and i feel like the bulb in my light it OUT, but its only temporary sooo...hmm....
i woke up with green boogers(ew i dont have those!) and pretty much felt kinda sicky all morning, mild headache and earache, mild scratchy throat, ate another 1/3 of the coconut oil, had most of it at lunch time with cinnamon and then some vitamin c, really groggy, didnt help i had mundane normal people life to attend to, i think had i been out in the sun and wind i would have felt more energy, but maybe good not to push myself when im feeling sicky....found coconut butter at store and demolished probably a good 1/3rd of the jar, i could totally eat the whole jar so holding tight and back...its super sweet i probably am better off with coconut oil and raw milk butter once i can get it...nothing remarkable in the poops department:).yep so probably going to go for a walk this evening and call it a day

[jessica]

also i have been drinking and craving about 2 gallons of water each day, and more! so now i am munching on celery to see if that will help..........my adrenals and kidneys are so fuck hehe i want them to be hapPEE!  also there has been a lot of grmblin in the belly and also a feeling of stuck water lately...that should probably go away.........also how come self control is never an option, its either i have this or i cannot, not i have this but i will not! hm........p.s. ouch i think all the coconut is hittin the ol gallbladder.......hm

[Adora]

Hi Jessica
    I used to do a lot of high energy stress burn out. They really are the worst for your health. I think after awhile I just realized that I had to stop. I still have some bad habits around sleep, and stress. I'm in recovery though. 
    I have tried a couple of new things that were brought to my attention from this site. I feel like they have helped my body to use raw foods better. I think the way you eat is intuitive and that seems great, even when I suffer in some way after making an intuitively "wrong" choice. I still learn the best that way. So, just keep your chin up. I suffer terribly with the depression of not being healthy when I project more illness into my future self. I currently am progressing well so, even though I have a long way to go I feel happy and confident.
     The Mastering Leptin book and jackruse.com especially the cold temp. part. I have been doing it 4 days . I was always really cold and I am considerably more comfortable now, after such a sort time. I'm still having trouble getting to bed. There is an undercurrent of anxiety that I have to fight through to get myself to lay down.
Well wishes to you,
Adora
PS
   Are you eating that coconut manna butter? I ate that for awhile and didn't even realize it wasn't raw, but I chowed down on it and couldn't stop. Very addictive. It also made me incredibly bloated and gassy, worse than eating 1/3 jar of nut butter . It was really tough but I stopped eating it. and after a week at least it got easier. I'm still eyeing the jar in my cupboard, I should probably remove the temptation.

[jessica]

yeah adora i am pretty sure i am to the point where i just dont get excited anymore, which is really strange but i am honoring that and accepting it for what it is for now...not even like much energy boosts or excited about possibilities.....i know its temporary! also i am eating RAW coconut butter and oil:) i made sure...probably will finish this jar more slowly and then see how i feel, if i would like more or if i would like something else or i dont need anything.  i know that from my past experience one of the few things to cure this weird infection/dirty blood/rash i had on the side of my mouth was grapefruit seed extract, so i may do that in the future if i am still feeling really sugary and with dirty blood.  i know a lot of this is psychosomatic and has a bit to do with the point i am in my life, really just need to be wise, intuitive, brave and honest with all of my intentions and capabilities right now, working on that!

weird sleep, probably not doing enough during the day or excess calories...felt lots of bloating in the evening while walking last night, like my internals were ready to poo themselves out, both deficatory and reproductive.......! feel some good energy this morning tho, stomach feels better after poo....feel a nice clean mouth, no eye boogers, a few nose boogers to clear out...not excessively thirsty...i feel really like i have water stuck in my stomach tho, probably make some dandelion leaf and root tea to see if that helps.....

[jessica]

still day four: stomach felt okay after breakfast, two carrots, chicken breast, little bit of coconut butter/oil, little avocado, fish oil, garlic and onion and lettuce
did a lot of cleaning up around here then went for a 2 hr walk
lunch: small piece of raw liver, more chicken, egg yolk, 3 tsp coconut butter/oil, lettuce, lil cooked zuke
now feeling dizzzzy and groggy, blah

dunno maybe i am just combining weird ass foods now

[Adora]

Jessica
     I think you are just going through a low point. I see such a shining vibrant light in your posts. I think your enthusiasm will improve soon. Give it a few more days of rest, I hope you have more comfort in this phase soon.
soft earthy hugs,
Adora

[jessica]

its very true adora, although i am really on the way out and its a great feeling.  i may not seem like it from these ramblings but i am focusing on solutions right now and just being very aware of myself, intentions, health, where i am putting my energy and what i am manifesting for this spring and summer:)!

for you about sleeping, anxiety and leptin... when i was more active this past summer, fall and into the winter, i was eating most carbs for dinner as that helped me calm down greatly and fall asleep and give me energy in the morning, it may be something that you can experiment with if you feel that your activity level/apitite necessitate and your sleep would benefit? however now i think my metabolism is a bit different, as is the time of year, and doing that just gives a poor sleep and a bit of grog in the morning.

end of day four:  felt better a few hours after eating.....went for a bike ride to do errands, came back up to the house for more chores, had better energy, took a great poo(have to report this!) but still felt a bit watery/bloated, not too bad though.  dinner included 3 lightly cooked carrots, zuchinni, greens, small bite of beef, butter and coconut butter and a bit of onion.  i think onion plus coconut butter=huge gas so no more onions for a while.  i really crave that sulfur so i guess just more garlic as it doesnt seem to have the same effect.  also the coconut butter is getting gross on me but still addictive.  i think i almost preffer the coconut oil but will keep thinkin on it and HOPE to get raw cream today to make good butter then i will likely drop the coconut all together unless i feel the raw butter is too sweet, then ill mix and see how that does.  also drank less water then usual yesterday and chewed on some celery which i think helps, although at a certain point i felt i had one chew tooo much and my face felt pressure.....! being this super sensitive is kind of ridiculous/amazing sometimes

day five:  better sleep, not great but better:) woke up with good energy, feel clear, not boogery, no more gas like i feel asleep with, stomach feels really normal, small, unburdened, lean. really excited/motivated to visit some farms this week, where as i was previously just feeling nervous:).  have to work this temporary job at a organic foods store today which should provide a good break from this ranch life until i find a farm for the season so i think that is helping my mood as well...looking forward

also to note i havent felt the need for so much salt lately, and feel the pressure in my body is a lot lower for that, it feels better.

[jessica]

day 5 cont:

ate some chicken, a carrot and some lettuce for breakfast with copious amounts of garlic, and an egg yolk, and maybe butter? dont remember, not super energetic but got a lot accomplished and felt decent mentally
lunch=beef, egg yolk, carrot, fish oil....i new this would give me plenty of energy for work and not make me feel heavy or like shit, seriously sometimes i KNOW i eat to make myself feel like shit so i dont have to be social haha, awkard, its only when i get in these downward spirals and dont feel good about myself........ah brain, heart, body can you guys all work together here?

 had really great energy after this THEN HAD TO GO TO WORK, what the fuck, i coulda been hiking or running trails or anything. i worked a normal job job for the first time in over a year..........SUPER FUCKING SUCK...honestly i am cashiering at a large natural health food store and its still so surreal and bizarre...no one would know i am thinking this the whole time but honestly i cannot believe people spend all day INSIDE>........i would go fucking nuts, thank god its temporary REGARDLESS of it i get another job, ha! id rather camp, hunt and forage all summer then miss out on watching the sky and being with the wind :p!  kinda nuts to make $60 dollars 6 hours though after being paid so minimally for farm work....bought more coconut butter and oil, will mix with higher oil to butter and eat as such for a while.........when i get raw butter i will likely stash that stuff away for good though, i think it will be better for my digestion and immune health then cocoyummies.......
dinner consisted of : 3 carrots(prob to many!) lettuce, and okra and zuchinnis cooked til hot and slimey......also some a few bites of beef, a little coconutoil/butter...well, a lot maybe? and regular (kerrygold is the best i can do round these parts!) butter

we shall see, sucked to be indoors with good energy while i wanted to do some crazy running or something, fuck you work!

[CitrusHigh]

fuck you work!

Lol Rightttttt! Felt SOOO good getting to feel the sun on my skin today!! Been working and staying in the city up until this last month and omg having the wide open space, fresh air and sun out here (and no peeps!) I crave this! The wind and the sky and you can see the planets so bright right now incredible!! Fuck work, time to rewild for sure!

[zeno]

Fuck work, time to rewild for sure!

Let's go!

[jessica]

wow i really hate having a job...........!
so yes 3 carrots and my meal last night was too much........sucks that i dont have a proper time to eat "dinner" with this work bull shit and end up eating at 7pm which is far too late for me.....i am best when i stop eating between 4-5 and prefer to be done at 4....shit, shit, shit......if this is a problem i will totally quit this job, i also know that part of it for me is to exercise some self control at the end of the day, well, a lot of it.........FUCK, fuck, shit! ha!
so i am not sure i can remember just how i felt all day but i will try, didnt have the best nights sleep, it started raining really hard at 2 AM which is TOTALLY bizarre this time of year and then gail force winds at 4......insane....ate lots of beef and liver, lots of garlic, celery, cod liver oil, and greens.......had decent energy after this dont remember what i did though, it was super snowy and slippery and most of the time i was hanging out with the chickens and turkeys:)! ate beef,  avocado and a lot of fat for lunch, and maybe 1/3rd grapefruit, it was super fucking sweet tasting but good and juicy, went TO WORK AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! cannot believe peoples lifes are so sedentary, no wonder everyone is fucking insane, all of their physical energy is forced to migrate into their brains and egos and create this huge anxiety, seriously i might quit next week, got a job offer to work at a sled hill, outdoors helping people tube down slopes, hehe, i hate ski towns and ski bums but sledding is fucking fun and it pays quite well and is outdoors.....! which brings me to tonight, i ate a lot, fuck! too much and i knew it while i was eating........5 carrots, head of lettuce, dandelion leaves, 1/3rd jar of coconut butter(i swear that candida is made up by the coconut industry to get us to become addicted to this shit!) lots of cod liver oil, few bites of beef and avocado, taste of butter, cooked okra and zuchinni.............ah i gotta be nicer to myself, i always ruin myself when i have obligations i am not excited about or am anxious about, which in turn makes them not only difficult mentally but physically as well....i will never truly understand my self destructive tendencies but i am super aware of them and really would like just this once and forever to overcome them..........thats my dear diary for day six

[jessica]

oh now i just ate more coconut butter and fats........what? i must really not like this...........

[CitrusHigh]

No shit, it did the SAME thing here last night. 35F, pouring rain and gusting winds howwwwling! My car looks like an icicle frozen to the ground, but I think it's warm enough that it won't be trouble to break out.

What kind of CLO are you taking J?

[jessica]

well so i ended up not sleeping very well last night.........this is a two fold problem...not being able to use my energy in the most healthful manner due to working as well as the inability for me to control my overeating.  i know that i do need to be able to adapt to different schedules to a certain degree and that it is up to me to do the best to feed myself in the most healthful way possible, that is what i can control and that is what i need to deal with right now.  its interesting that i dreamt of, among a LOT of other things, bears, mountain lions, an elk and ducks....i dream every night and spend quite a bit of time on interpretation as i am super into jungian psychology and know the power, insight and honesty of the unconscious mind.  these animals are all about having known habits or tendencies that are wild and out of control, elk specifically is about healthful eating lol:) fuck.........ducks are about being able to adapt, and to me have a lot to do with balancing healthful emotions with healthful body.  so this morning i am feeling really out of it, i think maybe i am just a bit tired from termotous sleep, kinda bored,  not really excited about doing much, and waiting for this coconut butter bomb to hit my gut...i was feeling a little like i needed some blood sugar so i ate half a grapefruit, chewed up a couple sticks of celery, cilantro, lots of dandelion and had a little bit of yogurt......i really need not let this stupid temp job with its reminding me of old habits and life ruin what little improvements i have made in the past few weeks

oh also its really weird that i feel dehydrated at work even though now i am drinking more then i am when i am more physically active, i think my kidneys and adrenals are just going on overload......cannot stand normal life.whywhywhywhywhywhy

[zeno]

Perhaps you could benefit from some regularity, peace of mind (distraction), and creative expression.

Don't forget to get some vitamin D!

I forgot: you're taking CLO...

[Adora]

Jessica
   I can't stand normal life either. When I was young, and my heart was an open book, I used to say live and live let, but in this ever choking zoo in which we're dieing, makes us give and cry, say live and let die.  - I'm a little dramatic today , the violence is the fight to be free of suffering. If the violence is judged/denied, I turn it inward and become self destructive, first to my mind, then to my body. That's a big part anyway. Maybe it's like that for you too.
     Martin Luther King said, to be black and awake in this country is to be angry. But isn't it just  to be awake, is to be angry. I love my anger it is my courageous heart that refuses to forsake the healthy herione within me to become more than a jealous flightless bird.
  I'm going to post in my journal, but you are feeling sort of like me and I just wanted to acknowledge your suffering and send you my love. I don't know your whole situation. I'm not advising you, but don't feel like there is anything wrong with you for wanting to be outside. Being inside poison that weekens my body and soul. To rest and get warm is one thing, but that is better in a warm teepee/cabin/natural shelter with no electricity, just a quiet fire candles, food and good company. If you have a decent option to be outside why are you staying at your inside job?
Whatever you choose, you know to stay loving to yourself or, there is nothing, so what's the point?

 

[jessica]

thank you so much adora, you and i are definitely kindred and i appreciate all of your support and advice

so i must preface with the fact that these horrible behaviors and emotions i engage in are preraw and much less severe then ever.  in fact i am know i am making progress even when i regress.......i must just be a slow learner?  i chalk must of my actions now to never having learned healthful habits and being stuck in old patterns that are self destructive because i dont know much else.  to be honest i am really trying to get in a good healthful pattern so i can take some *ahem* fungal medication for my soul....really it is one of the few things that has ever really given me insight and strengthend my will..  yesterday i wanted an exorcism but more so then that i just think i need some help repatterning my brain...

so the day before last, at night i ate about 2/3rd of a jar of coconut butter, thats like 12 oz? mixed with fish oils and butter.......super gross, that is compulsive binge eating.  i make myself ashamed and i make myself sick by doing this.  i have a history of addictive self destructive behaviors, to date i no longer drink, smoke weed or beat the shit out of myself, have regular panic attacks, rages...etc...the one thing i still do is overeat and binge eat.  it is very hard because to eat is necessity.....but for me it is also a way to avoid things, go numb...etc...and it is a very difficult thing to not do as one cannot eat...but i know there is a mind i go to, and when i am in that mind i will no longer eat, i will make tea, i will pray, anything until i come back into a more sane loving mind that actually things of consequence and has some self value...a remembered mind that recognizes what i am feeling and thinking

yesterday i woke up and felt not as bad as one should after a horrible nights sleep and eating a super fat ladened night binge.  i didnt have much energy tho so i hung arond til 10 then felt my blood sugar going crazy, tried to eat a little meal that turned into just a bit too much, this is like a gross mix of food too but ill post it...a can of sardines, some beef, butter, avocado, grapefruit, fish oil, lots of dandelion greens and yogurt oh and blue corn grits, not much but still what?..yuck! ha
did some errands and chores then the depression sunk in, crippling....a lot of which i think become because the body is so overwhelmed with all this gross food and disbiosis and because it cant take a shit the brain takes a shit instead...cried, hated everything, felt totally imcompasitated, called treatment facilities, stumbled around on a walk crying to my mom, poor lady....she has gone through the same things and can help or lend an ear to a certain degree but i know it is so painful for her now and i feel like such a shithead to rely on her sometimes, i was definitely born to two self destructive parents with addiction and ocd and all kinds of wonderful personality issues......ah!

came home and then felt like i needed to eat dinner......okra, peas, zuchinnis, carrots cooked in blue corn meal and butter, yes not raw or very paleo. sometimes after being super depressed and running my brain out of all of its anything i feel like carbs help to bring the brain up, even if they do other harm its like the renourish the brain....i also had a bit of beef with lots of fish oil on the side...then i got stuck somewhere in my head, wanted to go outside, got stuck in my head in my own hurt.....this is such an old thing, it makes no sense, everything, even to put on sock becomes difficult or a struggle for no reason....instead i sat an ate more beef an butter and fish oil which brought me to about a pound of beef and maybe almost a stick of butter?  honestly i can binge eat on anything, i have drank down almost the whole contents of a jar of fish oil in one day....then really worried about heart attacks or liver failure..
today i am much more in my head and feeling the will to make healthful choices....i am going to try an go as long as i can, again, with healthful eating habits...i feel like giving my work two weeks notice right now, and with the challenge of work hours trying to figure out how i nourish myself physically and mentally and then move on..........we shall see....
also still havent pooed out that coconut oil.....so i have lots of foods in my guts right now, hope it liberates itself today

[goodsamaritan]

How about good sources of raw carbs?

Raw Durian? Raw Carrots? other raw starches?  Raw baby corn?

[jessica]

durian is way to sugary for me....usually i do raw or slightly cooked carrots, there is no raw corn in season right now, its great in season tho, i can better handle the amount of starch at that time of year too.  even with a little cooked i can achieve balance, my whole life has been really extreme feeling lately, lots of changes, not a lot of stability, so it is very hard for me to create this for myself at this time but it is really important that i work and focus on that and not just the perfection of my diet.  although i know that having great nutrition helps....prob just need to eat more of these fresh egg yolks i have for b vitamins and really work on deep healing nutrioucious foods...not weird shit like coconut oil, although i think that it really killed my craving for as much carbs as i was eating, i feel okay to do lower carb and find a better balance....definitely time for more protein and good oils and greeeeens...thanks for the suggestions though good! lots of love to all today xoxoxoxo

[jessica]

day 8:

well i slept thoroughly last night, not good or bad but 8 hours worth.  i know i burnt a lot of that fat at night just being warm.  that used to happen when i would drink alcohol i would BURN at night, like a furnace, and wake up drunk and hyperactive and not sober til 4 p.m.  i also felt i had a little bit of death, i know that as i went to sleep i was worrying about perhaps having a heart attack, there was that deep pain of sadness in my heart and i questioned whether or not it was the feeling of death, maybe really it was a bit of a death and only in the spiritual/energy field around the heart.....and i welcome that, much like the ego death certain fungi has brought me in the past, even real physical death can be healing.  but i know that with all that is going on it is imperative that i accept and learn my lessons, i have been digging deep to get to this point, its almost as if i am to the last few shovels of mud before i get to the treasure and even then the treasure is most likely locked by some crazy puzzle, but getting closer and closer each time:)

  i woke up this morning in a good mood with an accepting and clear head about what had happened the last two days.  it is amazing how the can shift from barely being able to function or recognize anything beyond sadness and pain and absolute to waking with the voice of will and ability to continue even though there may be no light shining brightly in the future that can be perceived at the present.  i dont understand it but i am getting better at living with and through it and making sure that i am learning what and how to change towards sustaining a healthy mental, physical and spiritual state.  it is really interesting to be aware on both sides of sanity.

so i did a lot of chores early, which is good because the weather turned at about 10 AM and it went from sunny to snowy.  drank a lot of tea and aloe juice and wasnt hungry until about 12PM, ate a decent lunch of very cooked okra, zuchinni and greens, ate a raw carrot and had some beef, egg yolk and fish oil. also ate.  digestion is moving a long.  also had lots of garlic.  now more tea.  did some exercise and also some yoga...skin brushed, showered.

it is interesting all this cold temp health advice.  i have been taking cool showers for quite a while, i like to do cold water therapy when i have a sauna to super heat myself, then COLD til its not cold then sauna and so on for my circulatory, resperatory and lymphatic systems.  i also do a lot of walking/commuting/hiking in all types of weather and know that it is necessary to "exercise" you skin, circulation etc just as any other system in your body with these practices.  i dont think it is smart to be out naked, per say, and am not one to super chill my hands, head or feet due to previous bad frost bite and nerve damage, but live with minimal extra heating and as minimal gear as necessary to keep warm with body heat. 

there is a great therapy i would like to share if anyone is reading this, perhaps ill post it else where, but it is to soak cotton socks in ice water and put them on before bed, over these socks place dry wool socks...sleep and in the morning the feet are extremely warm and the body should feel a bit detoxed:)

[Adora]

Jessica
      I am healing too. Sometimes it's not linear. My mind likes linear progression. The other is full of crazy head talk for me. I had a great session with my process coach. I realized I am body and I have a head with a mind inside that is most beneficial to me when it is in loving service.
      I have been teleporting back in my mind lots. My mind was very anxious at work and I was unable to feel my body well or to be my body much, but it is getting easier now. I'm going to go meditate as my body now and light a candle. But your with me. I hear you and all that mingles with you. Less thinking and more feeling and breathing. That's the door I choose. It almost seems surreal. Do laugh at you ridiculousness as much as I do. Wow . 
I'm  not catholic, but I love the expression - my peace I give you ahhh woman hehehe- ridiculous

[Inger]

Oh Jessica..
you struggle so hard. I feel with you.
Could you get elkheart anywhere Jessica? Or any heart, eaten raw?
For me this helps a lot for my mental stability!
It creates a happy feeling right where my heart is. I get a feeling from peace.

Do not beat yourself up about the coconutoil. I eat raw coconutoil almost every day, and I am fine!

Jessica, it will become easier! Just hold on.
You will soon be out on the other side, out in he light.
I know you already know in your heart what to do.

Inger

[jessica]

thanks inger i will inquire about some raw heart...there are elk people about an hour down the road, they may have some, i forget what they offer

as for the coconut oil...its the amount i worry about, and the lack of consciousness in which i devoured it:)

yesterday was pretty low key, ate a decent dinner of cooked zuchinni, a few carrots, a small amount of green peas, 2 yolks, some fish oil, and greens....

woke up an feel okay but have coated tounge again a feel rather "mucusy" in my whole body....chewing on some celery, ginger, dandelion greens.......may try a taste of coconut oil?

have the feeling of the crazy zits i used to get when i would binge on carbs OR drink alcohol, they only manifest right below my eyebrows, and it would be like one cystic swollen bump...........maybe this yeasty mucus is trying to get out? i am not really feeded it too much and will do my best to feed it as least as possible and maintain my mood an energy through this week........

[jessica]

breakfast was beef, garlic, some lemon curry spice, a little liver, fish oil and an egg yolk
had decent energy, would have liked to use it doing something physically satisfying but did not choose that for myself, chose work instead.....
lunch was two small carrots, more beef, garlic and fish oil with some greens
really wanted to shit but was at work.....would have felt great, felt full and drowsy instead
came home to random people in common area that is usually empty, was too loud, tried my best to ignore everything, made dinner with two large carrots, some peas, lots of butter
still feel full of poops, hate to come home to people when i am a total introvert and teh best way for me to decompress from a day is silence and being able to be alone and in my own head and energy.....really trying to not take any of this to poorly and move on, i am super sensitive...right now they have locked a visitors chihuahua in the greenhouse and it is scrapping like crazy at the door...people are fuckin inconsiderate and unconscious......can not wait to quit and move
hopefully the morning is better then three days off, then perhaps i will only entertain this work thing for one more week to make up some cash and then find something wonderful to do..