littleElefant on the way to paradise

[littleElefant]

Hi 

Coldplay - Paradise
the little elefant, that's me

I start this journal to help me find my way to paradise, help others with my experiences and to have fun

For 3 years now I'm on and of raw paleo. When I m on I feel very good for some time and than I get very sick. Was sick again had a  high fiber the last 2 days, lost consciousness, cramped, vomited, diarrhea, headache, pain in my whole body  etc.
the thing is that I always forcefeed myself. Because I am skinny
I always eat to much and perhaps to often.
I was raw vegan before, was a bad idea, not good for my health but I never got sick like I do with paleo.
My reaction to animal products is much stronger I think.
This time I think it was because I eat to much high meat for some days and to much self made coconut cream. (and to much over all, to be honest)
Anyway, I'm starting now with my healing journey
Currently my weight is 40 kg, I'm 1,65 m high
My little daughter made  pics of me today,


I should sleep now

love
littleElefant

[Suiren]

Hallo kleiner Elefant!

I hope you figure out a way to heal. I'm sorry you are struggling so much with your diet. I know the feeling of wanting to  because I experience quite the same.
I too have to stuff myself with food to the point where it is not enjoyable anymore. If I don't, I will lose weight faster than you can say "d i e t".  I have always been thin, thin baby, toddler, child, teenager...now...I don't know WHY I am like that. But I think my diet before might have done damage, since I mostly ate pasta and bread.
I have been getting nauseated, particularly in the evenings, and I think its the fat. Currently I consume a lot of raw butter and supplement with olive oil. We are on a budget, so atm that is pretty much all the fat I eat, along with some carbs, a few veggies and a few fruits.
I am not all raw paleo yet, also because I want to stabilize my weight. I am exactly the same height as you btw., and I think I would want to weight something around the mid 50 kg's maybe. Hard to say, since I have never been there, I guess I will just have to see.

[Chris]

I start this journal to help me find my way to paradise, help others with my experiences and to have fun

Hi littleElefant, I think we're ALL trying to find our way to paradise. Even on long journeys (life), we still take one step at a time. Stay positive, and embrace your challenges. You stated that you force feed yourself because you are skinny. So when is it a crime to be skinny? Learn to embrace yourself for who you are, instead of fighting it. You sound like you have a fast metabolism. Do you know how many people wish they had that? A lot! It's a genetic gift, embrace it. Instead of eating huge quantities of food in one sitting, try eating smaller portions more frequently throughout the day. Don't be afraid to have a  small high calorie meal/snack before you retire for the evening. We are all unique in our own ways. One of the hardest things in life is excepting and embracing ourselves for who we are. We have a tendency to always look outside for the answers, instead of inside ourselves. That's where true happiness begins. Go somewhere where you can think peacefully, and follow what your mind and heart tell you. Don't over think things. Take each step one at a time. You'll get there, be patient.

[Chris]

BTW nice choice in music!

[littleElefant]

Hi Suiren,

thanks a lot for your empathic words. So you are a self-forcefeeder as well , uff.
but you look perfect, not to slim and a you have a beautiful face 
Like you I was on a fast food carbcentered (in my case vegetarian) diet before.
the nausea with all the fatty food is a big issue for me also. What helped me a lot is this cold therapy. Cold shower, cold bath, swimming.... It seemes to help my body to digest more fat witch is logic. In a cold climate you will not have so much carbs, your body depends more on fat digestion. Also it helps me a lot to keep depression and fear away
Butter and olive oil are two fats I'm not very successfull with.
That's why I experiment with coconut. Hope I will adapt to bigger amounts of coconut fat soon. To much beef fat never really made me happy.
You know Coconut is not very expensive neither.
I think my current weight gaol is 45 Kg, that would be a huge thing. I almost was there but than I started with my usual  self destuction program.
I still have to work some issues before I let myself thrive. Things like self love. and guilt. I feel guilty for everyting always I feel like a stranger in this world.
Eating is not so much my thing, never was. Except when I'm in the sugar craziness. But than it is an addiction and feels like a burden.
I would like to stop eating and to be freeee.

Chris, me also I was thinking that everybody is looking for paradise. But when I tell people they almost always tell me that paradise does not exist and that I should grow up.
Yes I should embrace my body. It is so hard for me. I allways find something not right with it.
Eating more often smaller quantities really seems to be better for me. Usually 3 meals are perfect. I have to be very carefull not to eat to much during one meal, otherwise the rest of the day I can not eat any more or digestion is a disaster

We are all unique in our own ways. One of the hardest things in life is excepting and embracing ourselves for who we are. We have a tendency to always look outside for the answers, instead of inside ourselves. That's where true happiness begins. Go somewhere where you can think peacefully, and follow what your mind and heart tell you. Don't over think things. Take each step one at a time. You'll get there, be patient.

Thanks Cris, very gentle words, I felt calmer after reading it

I love coldplay

[littleElefant]

Today I woke up weak and nauseous and with herpes blisters all over my lips.
I lost 2 Kg during the fever, am pale, look like a zombie , my mouth hurts.
After a bit yoga and a cold shower I ate
100 g grass fed beef
1 Egg yolk
some spoonfulls of coconut creme
2 big carrots
1 zucchini

went shopping after that. Bought bio carrots, cucumber and zucchini, raw butter for my daughter and sardines and frozen clams. Wanted to buy Australian horse meat but they didn't had it.
So I decided to order wild boar from Orkos.
I hope my body likes it. It is wild that is good but it is also pig and I'm so brainwashed. I could order lamb instead but it would be not wild and lamb is so hyperyang. It already is so hot here

felt very heavy and not happy after this breakfast. It was definitely to much for my upset stomach I just wanted to eat sugar, an apple or so but from experience I now that fruit after meat kills me .
When we came back I started immediately eating grapes and blackberries in our garden, thought it would be fine because almost wild and so ripe and beautiful (was not hungry at all). Than I could not stop myself any more, ate half a banana, some carrots, than made a salad with a huge avocado, grated zucchini and ginger, spirullina and a had full of clams. I ate it very fast while standing in the kitchen with a bad consciousness because I was not even hungry and had a bad feeling because of all the fruit and all this mixing and because of the omega 6 in the avocado(I'm so brainwashed, I can hardly eat anything any more) and all the fiber in the veggies. crazy , my herpes lips grow double size, I felt sad and helpless, cried, told my husband that I don't feel loved any more??? Can it go more ridiculous? Craziness.
I have to sort things out, everything should be nice and clean and healthy and perfect. That's why I'm here. To find my way
I'm going to go swimming now. The sea and the sun are always sooo good to me

[littleElefant]

So, now I really know what does not work for me .
Came home from swimming, already nauseous and stuffed myself with
2 Apples
loads of dried buckwheat sprouts soaked in re-hydrated spirulina
two  egg yolks
I feel supersick and depressed now. I know what I do is ridiculous but I'm already in the sugar madness. Have to stop it. It makes me sick, depressed, week and cold. I know I need proteins and fat, I feel so clean every time when I'm there. And some veggiejuice perhaps but not necessary
But there are some problems I have to sort out.
-My fat digestion is not so strong yet
-I have not so many good fats available, would be more easy with butter
-I'm scared to eat to much meat, was so oft sick when I enjoyed a lot of it.
-coconut oil could help but I read it is a dead product, that turns me of.
- I allways lost weight on LC or VLC
- egg yolk might also cause trouble for me.

tomorrow I'm going to restart low carb, with very little eggs, lots of fish because I have no meat at the moment, earliest Wednesday.
Than I will be happy again.
But how to gain weight with it? any ideas?

and also I will have to let go of spirulina, I like the taste but it makes the skin around my mouth and in my hands orange, like loads of veggies do it as well. Don't like this orange look
I hope I can sleep after this binge. Took already homeopathic remedies. When I start taking a lot of nathuropathic and homeopathic remedies to survive I know that I'm very much on the wrong track

[Ferocious]

Noel, you really need to relax. Just eat what you want, when you want it. Period. Stop feeling guilty. Who cares what the consequences are? Who cares if it's "bad" for you? You need to get rid of this unnecessary stress first of all. You're not going to make much progress if you're constantly worried about what to eat and when you SHOULD eat it. There is no "should" ANYWHERE in existence. Get rid of "should". You're creating it in your mind, and it's not working so get rid of it.

This will free you. From that new freedom, you will automatically be able to choose what's good for you, when and how much. You won't think about it, worry, or feel guilty because you will always make the "right" choice. When you feel guilty about what you eat, you will KEEP making the wrong choice, which will lead to more stress and binge eating.

So I encourage you to eat whatever the hell you want, even if it's the most UNHEALTHY food imaginable! If you want to, intentionally binge eat and enjoy it! There's nothing wrong about it. Nothing in the entire universe even remotely implies that you shouldn't binge eat.  Eat all the sugar you want, even the processed kind. Who cares what happens?! There might be some consequences, but so what? You can do whatever you want, no one is stopping you. You're free! If you seriously do this, something awesome will happen.

[eveheart]

I still have to work some issues before I let myself thrive. Things like self love. and guilt. I feel guilty for everyting always I feel like a stranger in this world.

A book you might find useful is Brain Over Binge by Kathryn Hansen. The author explains why conventional therapy does not work. You can let yourself thrive BEFORE you work those issues, even if you have been brainwashed to believe that you have to overcome the issues first. I'm not saying that it is not important to work out our issues, but I am saying that you can heal your eating right now, and not wait until all the issues are solved.

[Ferocious]

Noel, I don't think you need to focus on self-love. What is loving yourself, anyway? I don't even know what that is. I sure don't love myself, and that is nothing negative whatsoever. I am just content, and I find that far better feeling than loving myself, which I consider VERY artificial. What other animal do you see loving itself? lol none because it's makes absolutely no sense. I'm happy because I'm FREE from picking and choosing what I like and dislike about myself. What does it really matter, anyway? Now that doesn't mean I "let myself go" and don't care how I look. I do care but in a much lighter sense that I never have to stress about.

You have a lot going on in your head, and that's what you need to free yourself from. Appreciating yourself is not necessary, and in my opinion it's counter-productive because you're focused on the wrong issue. If you don't get the key problem fixed, nothing else will be fixed. Down the line you will appreciate things about yourself naturally, and it won't even be a big deal then.

[Suiren]

Hi Suiren,

thanks a lot for your empathic words. So you are a self-forcefeeder as well , uff.
but you look perfect, not to slim and a you have a beautiful face 
Like you I was on a fast food carbcentered (in my case vegetarian) diet before.
the nausea with all the fatty food is a big issue for me also. What helped me a lot is this cold therapy. Cold shower, cold bath, swimming.... It seemes to help my body to digest more fat witch is logic. In a cold climate you will not have so much carbs, your body depends more on fat digestion. Also it helps me a lot to keep depression and fear away
Butter and olive oil are two fats I'm not very successfull with.
That's why I experiment with coconut. Hope I will adapt to bigger amounts of coconut fat soon. To much beef fat never really made me happy.
You know Coconut is not very expensive neither.
I think my current weight gaol is 45 Kg, that would be a huge thing. I almost was there but than I started with my usual  self destuction program.
I still have to work some issues before I let myself thrive. Things like self love. and guilt. I feel guilty for everyting always I feel like a stranger in this world.
Eating is not so much my thing, never was. Except when I'm in the sugar craziness. But than it is an addiction and feels like a burden.
I would like to stop eating and to be freeee.

Yes, I have always somewhat force-fed myself..just it used to be more fun with tasty meals . Other people stop eating when they feel full or not hungry anymore, I filled up the point where I felt very heavy and needed to relax for a moment.
However, with a baby there is no relaxing and no naps, I need to be able to carry this 12kg baby around whenever he needs me ^^.

I am not very skinny (48kg atm), but I could easily be. I have always, and do still receive a lot of negative feedback regarding my thinness. I am not only thin, but also have teeny tiny bones (ring size 3 1/2 or 44), so I really stand out to people
I have learned to give a shit about what people say (mostly) though, and feel much better this way. As a teenager however, I was very insecure and I feel it eventually led me to lose even more weight. The lowest for me was 43 kg's in a very stressful time.
Back then I started a food diary, counted calories and tried to consume about 3000 cals a day. I did not even gain a little bit, and I think it is because I was stressing myself out.
In times where I was happy and did not worry about my food intake I automatically gained a little (though not as much as I would like, it slowed down after that).

You seem to have a lot of other stressors it seems, that need to go before you can fully focus on gaining weight.
I can relate to feeling somewhat like a stranger in this world, or more like the "odd one", but I am learning to just ignore it and have fun anyways 

I am sure you can tackle all your problems, you may just need a different strategy?